Keep Walking –
This morning, part of my devotions had this passage from Laurence Freeman, OSB;
“A brother came to his Abbott and said, ’Many distracting thoughts come into my mind and I am in danger because of them. I’m so distracted, my mind is all over the place.’ The elder took the monk out of the cell into the open air and said, ‘Open up the garments that you’re wearing and catch the wind.’ The monk replied, ’I cannot do this!’ and the Abba said to him, ‘If you cannot catch the wind, neither can you prevent distracting thoughts from coming into your head. Your job is to say not stop them from blowing in but letting your mind be open enough for the distracting thoughts to blow out as well.'”
One of the most difficult traits of having a Severe Anxiety Disorder is all of the thoughts that swirl in my mind almost every moment of every day. I believe this is one of the main reasons for my attraction to the contemplative, monastic lifestyle. I’ve read countless words of wisdom on how to still my thoughts, to try to corral them, and some work, sometimes but some days nothing does.
A picture in my Facebook feed this morning reminded me of the battle between what I desire; a calm interior with what is often anything but:
Tomorrow I go to a specialist who I’ve been seeing for almost a year. She is a nice woman, smart and understanding. She asks me how I’m feeling, how my meds are working, how I’m sleeping, how I’m doing socially, what my work schedule is like, and other, much harder, probing, deep, questions.
One of the hardest parts of seeing her is that I’m not significantly better, or better yet; cured. She knows this already, she knew this when I started seeing her. People with Chronic, Major Depressive Disorder, and Severe Anxiety Disorder don’t suddenly recover. It’s a long process and she is part of my journey, along with words of wisdom, my spirituality, meds and a host of other things.
So, I keep walking this path and enjoy the good days, endure the harder days and trust the folks who surround and support me.
Posted on August 30, 2016, in Mindfulness and tagged #anxiety, #depression, #disorder, #enthstigma, #keepwalking, #Stopthestigma, #wisdom, Contemplative, Stillness. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.