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Last night I had a dream about falling down a bottomless pit. My speed kept increasing and I was doing my best not to hit the walls of the pit and hurt myself. However, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could see there were ladders attached to the walls and if I timed it right I could catch a rung and begin climbing out of the pit. I woke up before I had decided to try and catch myself on a ladder or keep falling.

I have a lot of dreams like this one. Dreams of being late to a meeting and not being able to get there. Dreams of having to take a test and never have been in class, the teacher, the other students, the room are all unrecognizable but it’s time for the test. Dreams of being stuck, lost, and a sense of impending doom. I often wake up from these dreams and have no idea where I am. For a fleeting moment, my own home is unfamiliar. It’s always frightening but slowly I remember and things come into focus.

I’ve spoken with my talk therapist about it and it’s not unusual. Having a mental illness that includes a severe anxiety disorder is, in part, living scared. The key is finding my center, relocating my balance and allowing the fear to sometimes leave but most times settle so I can get out of bed and refuse to let it win.

In my dream, I didn’t grab the ladder but right now, at this moment, I know that I am reaching out and that has to be good enough.

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Swept Away

Swept Away!

I’m in a hurry! Even as I write this post I am getting ready to leave to teach a class. My brain is split between writing and the lesson soon to be delivered. Most of the afternoon has been non-stop.

I don’t like feeling pressured. I can’t stand the sense of being late, missing things because I’m trying to do too many things at once.  There is a sense that my timing is off. My body, mind and spirit seems as if they’re trying to catch up to a clock that refuses to stand still, even for a moment.

Why do some days move so fast while others meander? I wish I could grab one of those hours which seemed to have lasted forever and put it between me and my next appointment. Just plop it down and say; “Enough!” and go find a hammock and take 60 beautiful minutes to do nothing. Sigh. Unfortunately life doesn’t work this way.

Wisdom teaches me to carry the stillness within. To remember that some days may feel shorter, like they’re moving at the speed of light, but the same amount of seconds, minutes and hours occupy each day. Perhaps it’s not time which needs to be adjusted, but me, the one who’s being swept away.

@BrianLoging (Twitter)


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