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Frustration

Frustration –

This morning I had an early appointment in Nashville to being a training. I put the address in my GPS app on my phone and off I went. It took me to the exact spot I’d entered into the phone but there was one problem, it was the wrong address. It took me a moment to realize my mistake until I literally got to the end of a dead-end road. Argh! I felt my frustration starting to grow. Instead of being 30 minutes early I was going to be late. I checked the address again, realized where I made my mistake, and set off in the right direction. Trying not to let my anxiety rise to a harmful level I turned on a three-lane road and stopped at a traffic light. I was in the far right lane, an SUV in the center lane, and a sports car in the left lane. I heard yelling and realized it was the SUV driver and the sports car driver having a road rage episode. I couldn’t make out much of what they were saying and the words I could understand I don’t dare repeat.

I sat there listening and watching the living embodiment of frustration out of control; testosterone, anger, and vitriol spewing out of both of them. It made me take stock of my mood and I realized it wasn’t worth getting upset over my mistake and to let it go. I did, arrived at the training on time and am thankful for the lesson two men out of control could teach me.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Touching Life

Apr 7

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Touching Life –

I watched a video today about a woman, who is afraid of spiders, try to get past her fear by being in the same room, sitting close to one, and eventually touching one and allowing it to touch her. It was an interesting study of fear, facing what frightens us and hopefully overcoming it.

Being fearful keeps us from participating in all life has to offer. As someone with an anxiety disorder, I am acutely acquainted with fear, in fact, its one of my worst friends. I don’t know the source of my fear. One of the reasons I go to therapy is to hopefully one day discover it. Perhaps its as simple as a chemical imbalance and the right combination of medicines will mostly alleviate the ball of worry and stress which sits on my stomach most days. Maybe its memories or experiences which I’ve buried and one-day uncovering them will set me on the path to a more lasting peace.

Whatever the path I travel I want it to be toward knowing joy, not fear, connecting not being disconnected, living not simply existing.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in #anxiety, Mental Health

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Tags: #acquainted, #acutely, #afraid, #alleviate, #allowing, #anxiety, #anxietydisorder, #blessings, #buried, #chemical, #chemicalimbalance, #combination, #connecting, #disconnected, #discover, #disorder, #eventually, #existing, #experiences, #facing, #fearful, #friends, #frightens, #hopefully, #imbalance, #interesting, #joy, #knowing, #lasting, #life, #living, #medicines, #memories, #offer, #overcoming, #participating, #pastherfear, #path, #reasons, #simply, #source, #spiders, #stomach, #stress, #Study, #therapy, #thewannabesaint.com, #touch, #Touching, #toward, #uncovering, #watched, #woman, #worry, #worst, @BrianLoging, Peace, Travel

How do You Feel?

Mar 30

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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How Do You Feel?

Yesterday was my three-month check-up with the doctor in charge of the medicinal portion of my mental health plan. As someone with Chronic Severe Depression and a Severe Anxiety Disorder, the psychology group I go to has doctors who specialize in medical therapy and others who specialize in talk therapy. Together with the patient a plan is developed and intended to help them as much as possible.

Yesterday’s appointment was; “Meh, okay.” The therapist asked standard questions; “Are you taking your meds? How do you feel? Have you noticed any changes in mood or behavior? Any major life changes?” I answered all of them and told her I was following my plan except for one suggestion she’s made many times. We don’t agree and I don’t think it’s a big deal. She, the professional, thinks otherwise. I told her; “Yes, I am still…” she simply replied; “You know how I feel about that!” and we kept going with the conversation. I found it humorous that’s all she has to say and it’s enough. I either have to trust her and do it or not. She’s told me the benefits and even though I don’t see them I choose to fully follow the mental health plan or not. Sigh.

We’ve all been there with people we love and care for. We give them advice about life and after a point, we decide not to tell them again and again. We let them choose and deal with the results. I’ve done this with many of the people I work with but it’s interesting, and a little uncomfortable, to be on the other side.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in #anxiety, #depression, Mental Health

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Worry is like Prayer

Mar 26

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Worry is like Prayer –

I was speaking with someone today and they quoted a wisdom proverb I had never heard;

“Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want to happen.”

It instantly became a favorite wisdom quote of mine. As someone with a Severe Anxiety Disorder, I can relate to worrying and doing it obsessively. One of the symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder is rumination. Rumination is the inability to turn off negative thoughts. Similar to a broken record player (do people know what they are anymore?) or a scratched Compact Disc (same question) getting caught in a loop and reciting the same lyrics in your head over and over.

I come from a long line of worriers and a long line of pray-ers but I never put the two together before. I am sure if the quote is analyzed enough there are theological (the study of the divine) and ontological (the study of being) questions and fallacies but for now it gives me a new way to look at worry, stress, anxiety, rumination and where to focus my thoughts and spirit.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in #anxiety, Mental Health, Wisdom

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Slowing Down

Feb 17

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Slowing Down –

The last few days have been slooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. We’ve had overcast skies, plenty of rain and this makes for a dreary season and spirit. April showers may bring May flowers but February showers bring time to a standstill. The last few months have been long. I always have a difficult time between Thanksgiving and Easter. It’s dark when you arise and when you arrive home in the evening. The darkness that surrounds me seems to permeate my emotions. As someone with Chronic Severe Depression and a Severe Anxiety Disorder the days slowing to a crawl, mess with my balance and threaten to send me over the edge into negative thought patterns and fixations on disappointments and failures.

The balance, of course, is not letting the anxiety get in there and make my brain whirl like a drugged up hamster on a greased up wheel. Again, it is balance. I make sure the things which help me; meds, exercise, talking to others about how I’m feeling, are done and not discarded even when tempted to do so.

The balance to keep life’s rhythm manageable is an everyday if not every moment discipline. If we let it we would be either swept away in a chaotic whirlwind of activity or mired in a despondent state of surrender. Slowing down isn’t the goal but balance and mindful living are what keeps us sane and steady on the path.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in #anxiety, #depression, Mental Health

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Testing, 1, 2, 3

Jan 29

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Testing, 1, 2, 3 –

Today was my annual Tuberculosis test for the non-profit where I am employed. I don’t like tests, shots, or pain so this was a three for three experience of joy! It’s the same every year. I go into a small room, the nurse tells me this is going to hurt but not too much. I look away and tell her I don’t want to know when just do it. She does and then tells me to come back in 2-3 days for the results. So, I wait.

I don’t have Tuberculosis. At least I don’t think I do. Would I know it if I did? The test makes me think about it. Each year I forget what a positive result looks like so I google the symptoms and then look at my arm over the next couple of days to make sure I don’t have what I don’t think I have…

Life has a way of making us worry about a lot of stuff. You watch, read or listen to the news you begin to worry about things you hadn’t even thought of before. You talk with family, friends and they’ll give you something else to be concerned about. Before you know it, if you’re not careful, you have enough stress and anxiety to last a lifetime.

Wisdom teaches us that agonizing, over thinking, brooding, and panic are not a healthy state of mind or emotions. Letting go of that which distresses us might not be easy but carrying around a load of tension and agitation ensure we will never find the peace which we desperately desire and need.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mental Health

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Hate

Jan 21

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Hate –

I listened to a conversation this week where the person told another, to their face, that they hated them. “I hated you when you left,” they said. “It took a long time to not hate you anymore.” It was an honest and startling admission. Most times people are adept at not showing the person they hate their true feelings.

It left me with a question; “Have I ever, in my life, hated someone?” I define hate; as the inability to see the good in someone. As I reflected on the question a person came to mind. If I’ve ever hated someone, according to my definition, this man fit the criteria. I had the hardest time seeing the good, the light, the benefit of his existence, the unique expression of God in him. It was, at times, impossible to not be suspicious of his motives, think of the worst outcome of his decisions, belittle his beliefs and talents. Then, one day, ranting in my head about something he had done the question came from out of the blue; “Can you see any good in this man?” My mind stopped dead in its tracks. The answer was “no, I couldn’t.” It was then I realized the problem wasn’t him it was me.

I’d love to post about how this moment fixed everything but it didn’t. However, it did give me a new way of looking at this person and my role in the frustration, anxiety, and chaos within me. It took me a long time to forgive the hurt and betrayal he had caused but I began focusing on what was going on inside of me instead of what someone was doing on the outside. This made all the difference.

“You will never see God until you can see Him in every next face you see.” #SaintMotherTeresa

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Life

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Caged

Jan 8

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Caged –

He paced back and forth like a caged tiger. I watched him as he went side to side, back to front. At first, he was on a phone call and then afterwards he continued his anxious pacing. I was sitting, waiting, in a room at our county jail which was mostly glass facing the pacing man. I knew what he was feeling because I was struggling with the same anxiety. My classroom wasn’t ready and I was asked to stay in one room until the other one was available. Inside I felt emotionally restless, ready to go, get the class underway.

However, unlike the man pacing back and forth, I noticed what I was doing and took a breath. I folded my hands together placed them on my knees, inhaled and exhaled again. When I was allowed into the classroom I was no longer anxious but settled. I organized the chairs, wrote my notes on the dry-erase board as the men began to come in and find their seats. A worker from the jail checked in to see if everything was okay and I assured her it was. She apologized for the wait. “That’s okay,’ I replied, ‘sometimes having nothing to do, being forced to wait is exactly what we need.”

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Life, Mental Health

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Tags: ##struggling, #Afterwards, #allowed, #anxiety, #anxious, #apologized, #asked, #assured, #available, #back, #blessings, #Caged, #call, #checked, #classroom, #continued, #emotionally, #exhaled, #facing, #feeling, #first, #folded, #forced, #forth, #front, #hands, #inhaled, #inside, #need, #nolonger, #nothing, #noticed, #organized, #paced, #pacing, #phone, #readytogo, #restless, #settled, #side, #Sitting, #tiger, #underway, #wait, #waiting, #watched, breath

a Break

Dec 27

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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a Break –

Today was the first appointment with my therapist since my father passed. We kept coming back to the theme; “It’s been a long month!” We talked about a lot of things which have happened, are happening and will happen. Responsibilities, experiences, the new normal of living life without dad and how these are impacting my chronic depression and severe anxiety. As we were wrapping up the session her words, her prescription for me was; “Give yourself a break.” In other words, take it one day at a time, don’t fixate on certain challenges, try not to do everything at once and breathe, keep yourself centered.

On the way home I was driving behind a person with a bumper sticker which read; “Of course I love you! Why wouldn’t I?” I received the message and took it to heart. We put such a demand upon ourselves to get things done, live up to expectations, not let anyone down, be what we believe we should be instead of simply accepting ourselves for who we are; imperfect people trying to do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God and with each other.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in #anxiety, #depression, Mental Health

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Tags: #accepting, #anxiety, #appointment, #behind, #believe, #blessings, #break, #bumpersticker, #centered, #certain, #challenges, #chronic, #course, #Dad, #day, #demand, #depression, #expectations, #experiences, #fixate, #give, #God, #happened, #heart, #humbly, #impacting, #imperfect, #instead, #keep, #liveup, #livinglife, #long, #mercy, #Message, #month, #newnormal, #normal. #new, #one, #otherwords, #passed, #prescription, #received, #Responsibilities, #session, #severe, #simply, #stay, #talked, #theme, #therapist, #time, #today, #walk, #way, #wrapping, #yourself, breathe, Driving, father, Home, Justice, love, People

Flashback

Dec 23

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Flashback –

Today, while working out, I began to think of someone I haven’t thought of in a long time. It was a song that started the flashback. The memories began emerging and it wasn’t long before I began to feel the emotions, experience the memories and time melted away. It was almost as if I was back in the place, with the person and struggling. This person and I had a difficult relationship. There are times when two people don’t mesh. Sometimes there are reasons other times there are not. The pairing produces negative results, hurt feelings, harmful actions, and regrets.

I was thankful my anxiety didn’t take me too far down the road. There are times when my anxiety disorder goes into high gear and I can’t turn my thoughts off. They keep coming and it seems I am at their mercy. Today, the flashback was only a few moments and I was able to move on.

Though unexpected and unwanted the flashback was a good reminder that I have put a lot of distance between what was then and what is now. Most of the pain has vanished, the hurt feelings healed, the memories and experiences seen differently. The person is no longer my adversary but a fellow sojourner trying to find their way home on another path.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: ##struggling, #able, #actions, #anxiety, #anxietydisorder, #between, #blessings, #difficult, #distance, #emerging, #emotions, #enemy, #experience, #experiences, #feel, #fellow, #few, #find, #Flashback, #good, #harmful, #healed, #home. #path, #hurt, #light, #long, #longer, #melted, #memories, #mercy, #mesh, #moveon, #now, #Off, #pain, #pairing, #person, #produces, #reasons, #regrets, #reminder, #results, #sojourner, #started, #thankful, #think, #time, #today, #toofar, #unexpected, #unwanted, #vanished, #way, #whatis, #whatwas, #workingout, Negative, Relationship, Thought, Thoughts

Learning and Letting Go

Sep 18

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Learning and Letting Go –

Today was a training day for learning what is and how to do Motivational Interviewing. It sounds like a discipline someone would learn who is a professional job seeker! However, it is a counseling, teaching, technique that helps people overcome their biases and objections and allowing them to live a better life. I have done a quite a bit of training in Motivational Interviewing but the leader today was a Certified Motivational Interviewing Trainer so she had more information than online learning could give.

The two biggest keys to Motivational Interviewing are listening to learn the client’s story and needs and letting go of the idea we are responsible for the client’s success in counseling and/or learning. Our work is helping the client get to the place where they can choose for themselves their own path. By listening to understand who the client is and their willingness to get healthy in mind, body, and spirit, we can help them find the inner strength to make the changes that will impact them and their families.

I liked the training and the approach through my anxiety makes it difficult for me to sit for long periods as was the case today. It was a great reminder that we can’t fix people. It is not within our power to do so. What we can do is come alongside and help them discover their path and the willingness to walk it.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mental Health

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Tags: #alongside, #anxiety, #approach, #biggest, #body, #changes, #Choose, #client, #counseling, #difficult, #discover, #families, #fix, #healthy, #helping, #impact, #innerstrength, #Interviewing, #keys, #learn, #learning, #lettinggo, #listening, #Motivational, #path, #periods, #power, #reminder, #responsible, #spirit, #success, #themselves, #understand, #walk, #willingness, Mind

Let Go

Sep 16

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Let Go –

The quote in the picture is one of my favorite wisdom proverbs. Letting go of things is as important, and as difficult, as learning and gaining knowledge and wisdom. What I have learned over the years, however, is things have a way of coming back that you are gone and forgotten.

Earlier this week I was revisited by thoughts of someone who hurt me long ago. I have dealt with these thoughts before and have let go of them. These persistent thoughts though, like toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe, have a way of following me wherever I go.

I recognize them for what they are; ruminating. “Ruminating is simply repetitively going over a thought or a problem without completion. When people are depressed, the themes of rumination are typically about being inadequate or worthless. The repetition and the feelings of inadequacy raise anxiety and anxiety interferes with solving the problem.” Psychology Today (https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwilur2Iy6rWAhXFWSYKHYxNA4QQFgg5MAI&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Fdepression-management-techniques%2F201604%2Frumination-problem-in-anxiety-and-depression&usg=AFQjCNFQ4v7E8XRgsUr7_j6GKQIIws-W_A) Rumination is a sign of or leading to a rise in my anxiety and a rise in anxiety leads to a depressive episode. I know this and yet the thoughts, at times, keep coming.

Usually, after a bit, with the thoughts tumbling over in my head, and the re-realization there is no satisfactory conclusion I let go again. I used to hope they would be gone for good but it is not meant to be. So I try to let them be an exercise in wisdom discipline and pray I get stronger each time I release the weight.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mental Health

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Tags: #anxiety, #conclusion, #depressive, #discipline, #episode, #exercise, #head, #hope, #keepcoming, #leading, #re-realization, #release, #rise, #Rumination, #satisfactory, #sign, #stronger, #tumbling, #weight, #wisdom

On the Inside

Jul 23

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

On the Inside –

This weekend has been hot! Temps and humidity in the 90’s. In spite of the temps, I did some yard work on Friday and Saturday and I made my self sick. I took water, Gatorade, breaks. I sat down in the shade several times and laid down with my feet up to avoid heat exhaustion. Even with all these precautions I still sweated buckets and became too hot for my own good. The result was major fatigue and a nauseated stomach. Today, I determined it wasn’t healthy for me to get outside again and so I’ve taken it easy. My stomach is still not normal but better than it was Friday and Saturday. Being sick to your stomach is a terrible feeling. It impacts everything from your appetite to sleeping and doing even the simplest of chores or hobbies.

When I read the quote in the picture (included in post) my stomach troubles are of what I immediately thought. The nauseated feeling is similar to how I feel when I have an anxiety episode so it not a new sensation. I reflected on the truth of how what’s going on in the inside impacts the way see and experience each other, every situation and life. Only when the inside is calm, settled, still are we able to accept life and all of its unpredictability.

“The only peace you find at the top of the mountain
is the peace you bring with you.”
– Wisdom Proverb

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Contemplative Quotes

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Tags: #allwedo, #allwesee, #anxiety, #impacts, #inside, #stomach, #truth, #whoweare, #wisdom, #within, Peace, proverb

Stripped

Jul 18

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Stripped –

Death is the great equalizer. As the old proverb states; “King or pauper, rich or poor, famous and infamous, all end up in a box in the ground.”

Many faiths and wisdom teachers make a bold declaration that; “death is not the end of the journey but the start of a new one.” Yet, many are scared of this final destination all must face, accept and experience.

Death does indeed strip away all of the illusions and lies we tell ourselves. If allowed, it can bring us a sense of thankfulness and peace instead of dread and anxiety. Death comes for all. Some go kicking and screaming others with an embrace of that which we cannot outrun.

Death can also strip away our excuses, narrow our focus, help us find our purpose. When death is our company on the way it is either a reminder of compromise and wastefulness or determination and simplicity.

We should not fear death but welcome it daily as a silent partner who helps us truly live.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Life

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Tags: #accept, #anxiety, #compromise, #death, #determination, #embrace, #experience, #illusions, #journey, #kickingandscreaming, #lies, #life, #partner, #stripped, #thankfulness, #theway, #wastefulness, #welcome, purpose, simplicity

A Little Higher

Jul 14

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

A Little Higher –

A year and a few months ago I wrote about my major depressive disorder and my attempts to begin to run again after a two-year hiatus. I also wrote, a few weeks later, about major knee pain, a visit to an orthopedic and the diagnosis that running wasn’t in my future. I tried again earlier this year and knee pain came back.

For those with depressions and anxiety, the BIG 3 in treating them are medicine therapy, talk therapy, and exercise. There are a lot of other things as well but these three are the foundation to successfully living with the disease. Without running I’ve spent the last few months trying to find another effective and somewhat enjoyable way to work out. I’ve found a few cross training videos that seem to hit the intersection.

One of the instructors on a video says the following; “Watch your posture. Imagine two balloons tied to your ears lifting you high, keeping your body straight as you do this workout.” I’ve watched the video and heard this instructor say it so often I know when it’s coming and I’m already checking my body’s alignment.

I’ve also thought about the advice in other parts of my life. Too many times I’m looking down, hunched over, not seeing the light and feeling the heat of the sun because my face is looking at the ground. Depression has this type of impact on a person. However, if I would, even on my darkest days, put those balloons on I might be surprised how looking up can help when I’m feeling down.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in #anxiety, #depression, Mental Health

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Tags: #anxiety, #balloons, #depression, #ears, #exercise, #lookingdown, #lookingup, #medicaltherapy, #medicinetherapy, #mentalhealth, #mentalillness, #talktherapy

Home

Jun 28

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for brain

Home –

My brain feels like mush today. The last several days I have been in South Carolina where I had the privilege to present a message on fatherhood to a group of people trying to save the world, at least their part of it. The conference was also near my mom and dad who gave Beth and me lodging as well as hospitality, and food. We left early last Saturday and arrived back home last night near midnight. Now the readjusting begins.

As a person with a severe anxiety disorder rhythm and normalcy are important. When traveling I become over stimulated with all the extra noise, sights, interactions, and this drains me. After coming back home it takes me a few days to reorient myself and for my anxiety to dissipate. It helps if I begin to do the normal, rhythmic, everyday things again even if they feel foreign, which they always do following a trip away from home. However, the more I do them the more still my body and mind become. I let home wash over me I feel the anxiety settle, the pit in my stomach becomes more of a pothole and I can breathe.

For home, stillness, and silence, I am thankful.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Life

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Tags: #anxiety, #anxietydisorder, #mentalhealth, #mentalillness, #normal, #rhythm, breath, breathe

Jumpy

Jun 16

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for grass frog

Jumpy –

It came out of nowhere this morning when I was mowing the grass! I have seen a lot of small frogs the last couple of weeks and try to be aware of them but this little guy jumped up on my lawn mower and before I could stop it, it hopped on the engine! I was afraid it was going to fry itself, but a nanosecond later he jumped off and into the grass.

Isn’t it interesting how worried we can get over little things? Surprises which suddenly appear and there’s no time to prepare but our anxieties, stress, negative thoughts spike and we ask perplexed; “What am I going to do? What should I do? What can I do?” Sometimes the troubles disappear as quickly as they come and other times life comes to a halt while we figure out the best way to handle it.

What’s interesting is that whatever jumps into our lives is often beyond our control. We couldn’t have stopped it even if we knew it was coming. The second truth is we can only do what we can and let the rest just happen. It’s not comforting to know we can’t always stop or change, difficulties, and challenges that appear in our lives but instead of resisting we can accept and continue to move forward, even if it’s in a different direction.

blessings,
@BrianLoging
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Life

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Tags: #acceptance, #anxiety, #blessings, #challenges, #difficulties, #frog, #jumpy, #life, #stress, #troubles, #truth

Safe

Apr 10

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for safe space Safe –

It has begun!

Several weeks ago my wife and I hired someone to remodel our bathroom. Today, they started. I work at home and it wasn’t easy to focus on anything with the bathroom being demolished a few feet away.

A safe space is important for someone like me who’s battling a major depressive disorder and a severe anxiety disorder or another who deals with any mental health issues. We need a quiet, mostly uninterrupted space where we can collect our thoughts, process the day that was and prepare for the next day. This week I don’t have that and it has me concerned.

In times and seasons when our rhythm is disrupted, our safe space invaded, what we use to cope is taken away, we need to remember that all outward places we look for protection are not always available. The safest space is in the arms of grace, a deep abiding peace which travels with you wherever you go.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #anxiety, #comfort, #coping, #depression, #homeimprovement, #mentalhealth, #mentalillness, #remodeling, #safe, #safespace

Old and New

Mar 25

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Old and New –

Yesterday, on my Facebook memories page, was a picture I took of a wonderful couple Beth and I know in Pennsylvania. It was taken in March of 2014 just after beginning my sabbatical. The smile on both their faces portrayed the genuineness and kindness they had shown Beth and me for many years. They were only in town for a Sunday and after church, we went out to eat. As usual, they picked up the tab and the photo was snapped before we said our goodbyes.

I was in all kinds of pain at that time but didn’t have a real grasp of the mental and emotional toll the previous years had taken on me. I’m still coming to grips with a lot of it.

We had moved from a people, place we loved and had no idea what was ahead. Everything seemed to swirl around us and we could not seem to find a place to plant our feet and get our bearings. Then, along came this couple back into our lives. It was a reminder that love, grace, kindness were still present even though the winds of upheaval seemed to strip away all we held dear.

Most of 2014 seemed like the end of life as we’d known it. It would stay that way for next year. However, slowly we found our feet on firm ground and began building something new.

This evening I am thankful for old friends and new beginnings.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Life

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Tags: #anxiety, #beginning, #blessings, #depression, #end, #friends, #grace, #kindness, #life, #storms, #stormsoflife, #strip, #wind, love, Sabbatical

New Life In Dead Things

Mar 18

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

New Life in Dead Things –

This morning I was walking, reflecting, on a number of things in a friend’s yard where we are spending the weekend. As I ambled around I came across a rotted tree stump about three feet tall (pictured). I jiggled it a little then a lot and soon it came loose and broke off from the bottom. Carrying the piece of dead wood to a place to throw it away I felt a flutter by my hand and looked down in time to see a bird fly up and land on a tree limb nearby. At first I thought it strange for a bird to fly that close but then I examined the dead stump in my hand. Looking closely I spotted a hole in the trunk about a quarter size with tiny red dotted eggs. I realized I had, like a giant movie monster, yanked up the bird’s home and carried it off. I gently righted the stump and took it back to where it was removed. I hope the mama bird will return.

It was a wonderful reminder that life can be found even in places which appear desolate, dark and dead.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Life

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Tags: #anxiety, #assistance, #death, #fear, #grace, #journey, #kindness, #life, #path, #trust, #wisdom, love, mindfulness, Peace, purpose, Truth

Broke and Broken

Mar 13

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Broke or Broken –

Someone asked me today what’s the difference between being broke and broken? It was a great question that I am still pondering.

I think being, believing, you are broke is resignation. To be broke spiritually or emotionally is to lose hope of being fixed, reset, used again. I have felt this way in the throes of an episode of major depression. When all is dark and being of any use our used again is lost to the shroud that settles, stifles and suffocates your soul.

To be broken, for me, is to still believe there is life and light to be found in the dark night of the soul. It’s not easy to find hope, purpose, any emotional or spiritual depth but somehow, someway, there’s a place in your inner most being that believes it’ll get better. These are my good days and, though they may seem disheartening to one who has not suffered from depression and anxiety, are worth celebrating.

Broke and broken. Two sides of the same coin where one is a sense of worthlessness and the other a chance for a life which is valued.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in #anxiety, #depression, Mental Health

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Tags: #anxiety, #battle, #broke, #broken, #darkness, #depression, #difference, #embrace, #empty, #episodes, #life, #light, #stillbelieve, #throes, #value, #voices, #worthless

TheWannabeSaint.com

…..a place for sojourners on this spiritual path called life

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Brian Loging, OSBO

@BrianLoging

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TheWannabeSaint.com

…..a place for sojourners on this spiritual path called life

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Brian Loging, OSBO

@BrianLoging

Recent Articles

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