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My friend, role-model, and father passed away early this morning a little after midnight. His fight was over and he was ready. He sat up one last time as if to say, “It’s my time. I’m coming home.

The house seemed empty today when we returned from all the breathless running around one does after a loved one takes their final breath. Even though he hasn’t been home in a few weeks it seemed he had just left the house. Keys, hats, computers, movies, his chair all still in their proper place. It seems this is still his house, his home.┬áBut…it’s not. Sure, there are memories and experiences. A lifetime of highs and lows to relive for the rest of our time on this shadow side of eternity but he has moved and left a forwarding address.

I sit in the quietude with his presence still lingering. I think about all of the rough days he’s had over the last 8 months, the noises of the machines which were keeping him alive. After we received the phone call we drove over to the hospice house to say our; “Goodbyes.” The room was so still. No beeping, whirring, pumping, dripping, nurses checking in. It was motionless and the silence was deafening. My mother began to fill the atmosphere with soft cries, and soft words to her best friend and lover of the last 40 years. My brother and I standing in the background, witnesses to a heart affair which is rare in this world. Finally, after a few more kisses from her on his hands and cheek, we left all thankful we’d never see that room again and that he had moved on to his permanent address.

And now, we are left to carry on. To occupy a house which isn’t home without him. To learn to adjust to a new normal we didn’t choose. To loosen our grip on this world, this place, because we know home is waiting for us on the other side.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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All Choked Up

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Last night I had a strange dream. My brother and I we’re riding a single bicycle. I’m not sure how we fit on it but I do know I was pedaling while wearing a pair of black and blue tennis shoes. We rode around an unknown neighborhood.

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At some point I obtained a piece of blue, maybe a life saver?, candy, put it in my mouth and began to suck and chew on it. A part of the candy became lodged in my throat and I started choking. However, no matter how much I struggled it wouldn’t come dislodged. I woke myself up coughing, awakened my wife with my gagging, who got up and brought me some water.

As I struggled to get back to sleep, and after waking up this morning, the dream remained vivid in my mind. I’ve never been good at interpreting dreams. The color blue seems to be important along with family and a bicycle.

I’ll continue to reflect and try to sort it out while remembering sometimes the dreams we have for our lives, if not held loosely, can choke the life out of us.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

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