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Falling

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Falling

Last night I had a dream about falling down a bottomless pit. My speed kept increasing and I was doing my best not to hit the walls of the pit and hurt myself. However, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could see there were ladders attached to the walls and if I timed it right I could catch a rung and begin climbing out of the pit. I woke up before I had decided to try and catch myself on a ladder or keep falling.

I have a lot of dreams like this one. Dreams of being late to a meeting and not being able to get there. Dreams of having to take a test and never have been in class, the teacher, the other students, the room are all unrecognizable but it’s time for the test. Dreams of being stuck, lost, and a sense of impending doom. I often wake up from these dreams and have no idea where I am. For a fleeting moment, my own home is unfamiliar. It’s always frightening but slowly I remember and things come into focus.

I’ve spoken with my talk therapist about it and it’s not unusual. Having a mental illness that includes a severe anxiety disorder is, in part, living scared. The key is finding my center, relocating my balance and allowing the fear to sometimes leave but most times settle so I can get out of bed and refuse to let it win.

In my dream, I didn’t grab the ladder but right now, at this moment, I know that I am reaching out and that has to be good enough.

For more posts, reflections, poems, and other writings, please visit
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

blessings,
@BrianLoging

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Sunshine

Sunshine

Yesterday evening Beth and I went out to eat. I was coming from home and she was coming from work. I arrived first and registered our name with the hostess. The inside lobby was packed and so I went and sat in the lobby located next to the front doors. I sat down, whipped out my phone and found a news article to read. Across from me was a precocious young girl saying; “Hi” to everyone who came in. She wobbled over to the bench I was on and said; “Hi” to me. I looked away from my phone and returned her salutation. She was playfully climbing on the bench and I went back to reading. After a few moments, she was sitting next to me and I reflected on my behavior. This wonderful little child, a social butterfly in the making, was sitting next to me and I was focused on my phone, not on her. I turned the phone off and put it in my pocket. “How are you today?” I asked. “Fine, she replied, how are you today?” “Good. Is that the sun on your shirt?” “Yes.” “Did you have a good day?” I inquired. “Yes. Did you have a good day?” she responded. We went back and forth until they called the name she was registered under and we said our “goodbyes.”

I am thankful for the awareness in that moment to put away all distractions and bask in an actual ray of sun shining in my life.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

In Time

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In Time

I was talking with a friend the other day about getting older. She’s in her fifties and I’m in my middle forties. We were comparing grunts, groans, aches, pains, hurts, everyday stiffness and general uncomfortableness. I remember being told when in my thirties that once you hit 40; “It’s all downhill from there!” Admittedly forties have been rougher on my body than ever before but the fifty-year-olds are telling me; “Wait until you’re 50! It’s all downhill from there!” Just when I’m about to get to the top of the hill and ready to roll down the other side they keep adding more hill to climb.

I heard someone say the other day; “You just get used to some hurts and pains and learn to live with them. It’s life.” I believe there is a lot of truth in this statement. We all walk different paths, have dissimilar experiences and what we go through at a particular point in our lives doesn’t necessarily mean we can predict what others will encounter at the same point in their lives.

Wisdom tells us the aches and pains, joys and blessings of life are unpredictable and our only real choice is to accept or fight when and what the path brings us.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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