Blog Archives

Worthy

Worthy

I listened to a mom today tell of a time not so long ago when she and her daughter were not getting along. A long-simmering unspoken argument turned into a loud, heated word-fight in a public place. “I hate you! You never listen! You don’t care what I want! Nothing’s ever good enough for you!” were the words her child screamed that day. Instead of shouting back, the words of her child wounded her heart and she realized; “I might actually lose my daughter if I don’t start doing things differently.” Over the next several weeks she discovered that what her daughter said in an anger tirade was true. This mom was pushing her too much, not letting her discover herself, applying too much pressure on things which weren’t that important. In short, she was trying to make her daughter into what she thought she should be and not allowing her daughter to find herself.

Wisdom tells us that when we attempt to control others, make them presentable to us, what we think is best, we end up either chasing them away or killing the spirit within. Truly loving someone is allowing them to grow, make mistakes, choose different paths, free of our judgment and disapproval. It’s letting them be and loving them.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

 

Your Path

Image result for thought provoking questions

Your Path

I had a conversation not long ago with someone who’s trying to stay on a certain path for the rest of his life. I asked him; “How much regret do you have over choices you’ve made, decisions which have shaped your life so far?” He closed his eyes, released a heavy “sigh” and replied; “Plenty.”

I reminded him that every choice he makes takes him down a certain path. “You were born with certain genetics and predispositions. You didn’t choose your parents, the environment you were raised in, the “normal” you existed in that had a big hand in who you were and are today. However, you have the ability to decide if these things will dictate the path of your life or if you will be master of your own fate.” 

All paths lead us to our last day. People will gather, songs will be sung, words will be spoken and the shell known as our bodies will be laid in a box, lowered into the dirt and dirt we shall become. What happens after our burial we have no control but the path we take to get there will either be one chosen for us or one we defiantly, determinedly, choose to walk and not waver.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Try Again

Image result for try again

Try Again

All. Day. Long. Dropping things, misplacing things, bumping into things. I don’t know what’s up with my visual acuity and proficient dexterity today but I cannot seem to stop being clumsy. I am in an “oops” state of being. When it happens the first time you don’t really pay attention. When it happens again your eyebrow raises but you don’t panic. When it happens a third, fourth and fifth time you begin to wonder if you should crawl back in the bed and hit the day’s reset button. Oh yeah. There’s not a reset button. So, you simply try to make it through the day without hurting yourself or someone else. Today; graceless and inelegant. Tomorrow, hopefully, less awkward.

It never ceases to amaze me what little control we seem to have on things. How often, things we should be able to grab firmly, escape and elude our grasp. Days like today remind me that we are finite, and if not powerless, certainly much less powerful than we would estimate or imagine.

To grasp the truth of our limited mastery of the little sphere of influence we call existence is the first step to remaining calm and carrying on.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

wp-image-1718483709jpg.jpeg

Nipping At Our Heels

Nipping At Our Heels

Monday I watched the documentary; “Weiner.”(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTpnBDu6Y6Q) It is the story of Anthony Weiner’s rise and fall on the political landscape not once, but twice, both times because of a sexting scandal. Anthony Weiner is a flawed character that could come straight from a Greek Tragedy (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_tragedy).  The sexting wouldn’t work but the narcissism, short-sightedness, being your own worst enemy, destroying everyone and everything you love, certainly would make a fitting template.

The question I came away from the documentary is; “Why?” Why would a person who is obviously charismatic, appears to care for the people of his community, is by all accounts a decent person, except of course the giant gorilla in the room…his addiction to receiving attention no matter the damage, and there’s the answer.

SPOILER ALERT

In the end, it cost him the mayoral race of New York, his reputation (again), his marriage and his child. He’s now a television mercenary, for hire to anyone who’ll interview him, put him on a TV show panel, feed his need to be in the spotlight.

Wisdom teaches us the demons of pride, envy, wrath, gluttony (the insatiable want of things), lust, sloth (laziness), and greed are always nipping at our heels waiting for us to think we’re invincible, can control them to sink their teeth into our soul and destroy us and everything we love, hold dear.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

wp-image-1718483709jpg.jpeg

Wrestling with the Wind

Image result for blowing wind

Wrestling with the Wind

The wind has been blowing today, seemingly from all directions, ahead of a cold front which will settle into the area over the weekend. I spent part of the day raking leaves. Raking, gathering, keeping leaves in one place when the wind is determined to send them back to where you brought them from can be frustrating and defeating. The wind can’t be stopped by any force I have, nor can it be altered by anything over which I have control.

After a while I figured out if I would rake small piles, keeping the rake in place to keep the leaves from being blown away, I could eventually form a big enough pile to burn. I also discovered the raking job I was doing today wasn’t going to be close to perfect and I had to be okay with that.

This past week has been similar to my wrestling with the wind today. Many things are moving, changing, and it’s hard to pin anything down. No matter how hard I try, I do not possess the ability to keep things the same nor make them transition slower. Life’s journey has a speed all its own.

So, like the raking method, I take it in small, manageable sizes. I accept what I can that is changing and trust that each partial choice will lead to full acceptance of the inevitable transience of life in time. I’ll also allow for the truth of never being perfectly happy, blissful about change. Wisdom tells me progression not perfection is the way to peace.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

img_0511-4

Under Control

Image result for fall leaves rake

Under Control

Last week I wrote about raking leaves and how this ongoing chore is a part of the changing of the seasons; “Leaving Tomorrow Be (https://thewannabesaint.com/2016/10/29/leaving-tomorrow-be/).

Today I was at it again. Same sections of the yard, same rake, same music playing in my ear buds, the same piles, except different, albeit still brown, leaves. Again, similar to last week, the wind was blowing so even as I raked more leaves were falling on the ground. Still, it was therapeutic; raking and burning.

While doing the chore I thought about my week. Lots of internal changes have been occurring at work. Changes which cannot be avoided and are necessary for our team to continue helping the families and communities we serve. However, as noted by me many times on this blog before, I don’t like change. My severe anxiety disorder goes into hyperdrive when multiple changes occur in a short amount of time. My preference is rhythm, order, a familiarity, which helps bring balance to my life and peace to my mind.

As I raked the leaves today and watched more fall in their place, I was reminded that life is never controllable, never truly ordered, not actually familiar, we simply fool ourselves into thinking there is rhythm. We like to think we’ll get everything organized and under control only to stand powerlessly by as the wind blows, dropping more leaves on a briefly clean yard; a symbol that nothing in the life is ever settled, predictable and under our control.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

img_0511-3

Settling

Settling – 

This morning, as I was preparing to go to the office, I  heard a sound; “Knock, Knock, Knock.” And again; “Knock, Knock, Knock.” I checked the front door and no one was there but the knocking continued. Then, as a wannabe Sherlock Holmes would do, I stood perfectly still and waited for the next, “Knock, Knock, Knock.” and began following the sound to the source. I did this until I was ear to wall with the front porch. The sound was definitely coming from the other side. I tried spying through the window blinds but could not get the right angle as the, “Knock, Knock, Knock” echoed through the house. I walked back to the front door opened it and the screen door as quietly as possible. I crept along the side porch until I could see a female Woodpecker, who also saw me, and flew away. She was knocking on a piece of scrap wood. About twenty-five feet away from this warped and splintered two by four is a giant Oak tree. I wondered why did the bird settle for a snack when she could’ve had a gourmet meal? 

I also reflected on the truth that too often we settle for a trinket when there’s a treasure waiting, chase after worthless shiny objects when the most important things are there if we would alter our gaze. Wisdom tells us; “Don’t settle for scraps. Wait, keep searching, what you seek may be just around the corner.” 

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Support

Image result

Support –

This morning I had to pull up a part of the porch we’ve been working on. The problem was that a particular spot was weak.  If you didn’t step in the particular place one would never notice the “give” but when you hit it just right there was no missing the lack of stability. I unscrewed the section of flooring and discovered there wasn’t cross beam to aid the support of this portion. So, I added a couple of two by fours, dropped the wood floor back in place, added a few extra screws and; “viola!” no more weak spot.

Reflecting on the weak spot I thought about the areas of weaknesses in our own lives. Sometimes the vulnerable places are well-known to us and those who care for us. These are hurts, habits, and hangups, which are easily visible and not difficult to find. Then there are those hidden areas that unless the precise place is touched, a name is mentioned, temptation beckons, fragility exposed, we give, perhaps even believe in, an image of strength and control.

Knowing and adding support for our vulnerable areas takes first a willingness to see the soft spots and allow others to view them as well. Then, in humbleness, we seek guidance in how best to make strong areas which are weak. Many times our frailties are revealed to us by others. Though we may be uncomfortable with others knowing our flaws, defects and shortcomings, many times it is the keen eye, and strong support of a friend, that helps put us on the road to true inner wisdom and strength.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

img_0511

Rest and Suffering

Image result

Rest and Suffering

Yesterday afternoon, on my way back from an out-of-town meeting, I passed a delivery truck. Its hood was up, flashers on, obviously broke down and not going anywhere. What caught my attention was the driver. He was laying down in a shady spot, one arm for a pillow and the other holding a cellphone and talking. He wasn’t nervously pacing, angrily kicking tires, yelling into the phone. If he could’ve fixed the truck I am sure he would have. If there was a way to deliver his goods he would’ve completed his goals for the day. Instead, he was resting because there wasn’t anything else to do but wait.

I struggle following this man’s example. I like rhythm, order, control. I don’t like surprises, detours, or delays. There is certainly a part of that which comes from having a Severe Anxiety Disorder. Mapping out the day so it can be more easily managed is part of my therapy. However, I also believe it’s very human to want control, to get things done in a timely manner, to feel like our lives are not always a random gathering of happenstance.

Wisdom teaches us that the distance between acceptance of what happens every moment and our expectation of what should happen every moment is where suffering is found. Knowing how to rest in the unplanned, perhaps even unwanted, experiences of life is one of the toughest and most valuable lessons we can learn.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

img_0511

Almost There

Almost There

April showers might bring May flowers but very little rain in May might not be a good sign for the rest of the summer.

Yesterday evening the Mrs. and I were outside looking at the skies hoping for rain. It was cloudy, gray and looked promising. As we watched it began to rain on a field across the street. We stood and watched the rain so tantalizingly close but seemingly not moving our way. “Come on!” I yelled, not sure if rain had ears but willing to take a chance. After what felt like forever the drops of rain began to move across the field and toward our house. Slowly, steadily we watched it soak the street, the driveway and then it began pouring all over the yard. It was wonderful! (If I had known yelling at rain would make it come to me, I’d have done it sooner.)

Life can be this way at times. We enter a season of dryness when our spirits and emotions are barren. We search for renewal and restoration and may even feel they are incredibly close but nothing seems to happen. We shout at the heavens pleading for the rejuvenation we so desperately need. Wisdom teaches us that in time, and on time, revitalization will come. It cannot be forced or coerced but if we are willing to accept, what is beyond our power to control, we will be strengthened and enlightened when the moment and our path are in sync with our need.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

img_0511-3

Power

image

A yellow monster of a truck quickly lurched up behind me this morning. I was loaded down with wood, crawling along, when the driver of this behemoth decided I wasn’t going fast enough for him. He revved his loud engine and would slow down, wait a few moments, and then catch back up to me. Because of the small two lane highway we were traveling, there wasn’t anything either of us could do to rectify the situation. The obvious power of his truck aside we were both stuck, powerless. Finally, the road opened up, a passing lane appeared and he roared past me.

I smiled as he disappeared from view. It was a good reminder that each of us,  no matter the strength and power we think we possess, are always at the mercy of the things life brings our way we can’t change or control.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

image

Pace

Pace

On Saturday I posted about the knee problems I’ve been having and the steroid shots I received to try to alleviate the pain and inflammation (Crawl. Walk. Run. https://thewannabesaint.com/2016/05/14/crawl-walk-run/).

The good news is that my right knee feels better but my left one is still very sore and walking is laborious.  After emerging from my confinement, doctor’s orders were to keep off of my legs for the weekend, I noticed the grass had not stopped growing just because I couldn’t mow it as I usually do on Friday and Saturday. My knee was too swollen to mow on Monday but yesterday I made the decision that the grass had to be cut or we’d be overrun! I rubbed some anti-inflammatory cream on the affected area, took a couple of Advil, strapped on a knee brace and proceeded. It didn’t go smoothly, was difficult but the job got done.

One of benefits of having a self-propelled lawn mower is that it doesn’t require much pushing, mostly guiding. Usually I press the lever, hold on and walk behind it, wishing its speed was faster. Tuesday evening was a different story. Because my gait is shorter and more awkward I had trouble keeping up with the mower when the self propel was activated.

As I hobbled along behind the mower I reflected on the pace of life. There are days, seasons when it doesn’t move fast enough and others when it flies by too quickly. It would be great to be able to control its speed to fit with our liking. Wisdom teaches us the key is to accept its speed as best we can and embrace the truth that life moves at its own pace with or without our ability to keep up.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

screenshot_2015-07-30-21-13-57-1.jpg

Stop Searching

image

We are missing a few cans of paint.  No idea where they are hiding.  We’ve looked every place we know to look but haven’t found them. The Mrs.  thinks I’ve put them somewhere and forgot, she’s probably right. Nonetheless, after searching high and low, wide and narrow, we have yet to locate the elusive cans.

As I searched for them and tried to think of other places they may be I’ve reflected on the wisdom quote; “Stop searching and you will find that which you seek.” The meaning is simple but the discipline is difficult.

Too often we want our problems solved now, our challenges conquered, our questions answered, our purposes revealed. However, our desire for resolution and the timetable for the eventual solving of them are rarely aligned.

Allowing for patience as the path unfolds. Accepting the limits of our power and knowledge. Living life with open hand instead of trying to grasp, manipulate, control is not easy but worth understanding and doing.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

image

Like an Anchor

image

Yesterday, near evening, my wife and I walked around the yard looking for signs of spring. It was sunny, blue skies, warm temperatures and we were desperate to find buds, green, visages of life at the beginning of March.

We were able to spot a few. A new leaf here, a baby limb there, but there was nothing that shouted; “Spring!” just whispers, rumors, of the dead of winter passing and the newness of another season on the cusp of birth.

It was good to spy even the slightest changes. Winter begins to cling to my spirit, like an anchor weighing me down until my soul feels like it will be stuck in it’s dead state forever. It was nourishing to be reminded of the life to come.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

image

Feasting on the Wind

image

I heard someone today say; “All they’re doing is feasting on the wind.” That I can remember, its the first time I had heard this particular saying. I like it, a lot. Its powerful imagery. The wind comes in many forms. From summer breezes to tornadoes, limbs lightly swaying to hurricanes, wind can tickle our ears or tear apart our worlds.

As I reflected on it, a picture materialized in my mind of someone, on a hill, mouth open trying to catch as much wind as possible, swallowing hard and then repeating. However, no matter the effort they remained empty, void. You can’t feast on the wind. I then thought about our desire for control, power and recognition. These are indeed powerful forces and many chase after them assured they will satisfy. Instead we’re left empty, starved and still searching for that which will satiate our deepest hunger.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

image

What Happens

image

This morning, on my way to a Father and Child reading event, I noticed a pair of long skid marks on the road leading to an even longer pair of tire marks on the grass which came to an abrupt stop on a small incline. It was obvious a driver wrecked but not what ultimately happened or the cause. Perhaps the person behind the wheel was taken by surprise when a deer darted in front of them. Maybe the road was slick, the car or truck began to drift and the driver over corrected. There are countless scenarios of how and why the wreck occurred and the final outcome.

As I wondered about the skid marks I also reflected on a group of incarcerated men I spoke to this week. I told them I had no idea the choices made that resulted in them being in jail, what happened in their life that brought them to this place. I also let them know I had no idea what happens next. “The rest of the story of your life will be determined by your choices.”

The road of life is full of twists and turns, hills and valleys, places of danger and difficulty. Oftentimes it’s not what happened before but what happens next that is most important.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

image

Predictions

snow-map

The news tells me that; “snow is a’comin!” They aren’t sure how much but they know it’ll be here sometime tomorrow. Being from the south I know the panic this 4 letter words brings. People are buying up bread, milk, eggs, food staples that’ll get them through this blizzard! Schools are closing, other companies are adjusting their hours accordingly as winter’s first precipitation blast is upon us. Nevermind that it’ll be 50 degrees on Monday people are hunkering down for the storm. Not caring at all for snow I’m focused on the days after it will be but a memory. Friends, who for some reason like the white stuff, are hoping for a winter wonderland even if it only lasts for a few days. Spring is on my mind while others are dreaming of snowmen and snow cones.

Whatever the weather brings; inches or feet of the white stuff, freezing or mild temperatures, one thing we know is we have no control over what happens so, …”let it snow, let it snow, let it snow….or not.

blessings,

@BrianLoging (Twitter)

http://www.thewannabesaint.com

screenshot_2015-07-30-21-13-57-1.jpg

Who We Desire to Be

image

If humanity made a 2016 resolution to quit being rude and allow niceness and kindness to rule they must’ve changed their mind.

My first stop this morning was taking my push mower to get it serviced. The person behind the counter acted like I was asking him to fix it personally and came up with several excuses as why he couldn’t fulfill the extended warranty. Finally, he relented and I was worn out with the hassle. My next stop was to buy a kerosene heater and a cashier refused to answer a question I had about the product. I figured out the answer myself. My last stop was to buy kerosene and the line inside to prepay was long. When another cashier opened up a woman cut in front of me without any hesitation. “Oy!” I was thankful when I pulled into the driveway to be greeted by the smile of my beautiful bride.

Being kind, nice, peaceful, in a world seemingly intent on being anything but, can be difficult. In these trying times we must remind ourselves we do not base our emotions, words and actions on what others do but on who we desire to be.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

image

Watching Our Steps

image

“No question modern devices can be hazardous to one’s health and worse, the health of others who have loved ones at home waiting for them.

We’ve seen the amusing when a woman strolling through a mall fell into a fountain, but there’s a darker side to this problem.San Diego, California police are reporting today that a man walked off of the edge at Sunset Cliffs while staring at an electronic device.

While the device isn’t known, it can be guessed to be a cell phone, though a tablet is a possibility. According to what NBC News is reporting,  “Witnesses stated seeing someone distracted by an electronic device and he just fell over the edge”, says San Diego Lifeguard Bill Bender. “(He) wasn’t watching where he was walking, he was looking down at the device in his hands”.” (Betanews.com)

What a terrible story and my heart goes out to the family at the loss of a dear loved one. As I read this article I thought about how often my, and others’, attention are glued to a screen. Accidents and tragedies are bound to happen.

I also reflected on the truth of how what’s in our hands, what we possess, or want to, captures our focus and everything else can be lost. We become so transfixed on having, obtaining, grasping, controlling that our path is obscured and indeed we pay the price with our lives and spirits.

What we possess, possesses us. May we each be mindful, choose wisely, live open handed, watchful and not lose all things dear as we walk this path called life.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

image

Brokenness as Healing

He sat a few feet from me and I watched as tears began to fill his eyes. It dawned on him, perhaps for the first time, the sum of his actions, words, thoughts and the effect they had upon his family. He had been so wrapped up in trying to control situations and people that he didn’t realize how many things had slipped from his grasp. Now, in a time of crisis and questioning, of rejection and regret he understood. Silence filled the space between us and I waited as he composed himself enough to speak. Until this point disappointments, difficulties and despair had been things which were outside of him, people and events were to blame. Now, he realized he was the designer of his own defeat, a victim of his own ego and self obsession.

It’s never easy to achieve and sustain self-awareness. There are moments when we see ourselves for who we really are; the weakness, selfishness and shallowness. The cold reality sets in and we often reach for the blanket of judgement and justification to stave off the chill. To recognize our real selves, to accept the imperfections, insecurities and insatiable desire to control, coerce and craft others and the world in our image is the most humbling and hurtful lesson to learn.

When we arrive at this place of suffering do we choose to find relief by reconstructing the illusion or embrace the brokenness as healing?

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

wpid-screenshot_2015-07-30-21-13-57-1.jpg

Going in Circles

image

Yesterday evening,  the sun was setting as Beth and I we’re covering plants in preparation for a heavy frost. As we finished up our outside work, I spotted an inch worm slowly making its way around the rim of a flower pot. I watched him stretch forward and pull the rest of his body up and repeat the process. I wondered where it was going? It was a lot of effort to just go in a circle. Sooner or later it would need to change direction if it was ever going to get anywhere.

I then begin to think about my journey and the journey of others I’ve known. There are paths we choose to take that lead us no where. Dreams and what we hope for don’t happen. Plans for our life go awry and yet stubbornly we cling to our desires trying in vain to control, coerce, make life fit our vision. We try and fail, using great effort and passion but never getting anywhere.

The choice becomes do we keep going in circles or decide to change direction? Can we let go of what we want our life to be, take a new path trusting it will lead us to the life we need?

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

image

%d bloggers like this: