Blog Archives

Stalking

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Stalking –

“Waiting on a hurricane is like being stalked by a homicidal turtle!” I read this statement the other day and thought it was humorous and true. My wife and I have friends up and down the east coast and they are preparing for the worst and hoping for the best with Hurricane Florence looming as she’s still deciding when and where to make landfall. The slow-moving storm has people on edge. There’s something to be said for a challenge or difficulty that comes out of nowhere to cause chaos in life and then goes as fast as it came. It’s hard but at least one doesn’t have the agony of waiting.

I was talking with a friend last night about depression and anxiety and the way they steal the joy out of life. It’s a dark storm that hovers filling you with dread as you prepare for the full brunt of the fury. You wait, you pray, you look for signs of the storm passing but it stays in one place and never gives you a true moment’s rest. Your strength is sapped by the anxiety of the approaching darkness and when the storm finally hits its wave and winds batter and beat you into submission. Rest is elusive when something is stalking you, wearing you out with threats and anticipation, and finally, when it strikes, you’re too weak to fight back.

Be kind to each other. You never know the storms that are brewing in each of us.

For more posts, reflections, and other writings, please visit: http://www.thewannabesaint.com

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)

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Falling

Aug 5

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for deep pit

Falling –

Last night I had a dream about falling down a bottomless pit. My speed kept increasing and I was doing my best not to hit the walls of the pit and hurt myself. However, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could see there were ladders attached to the walls and if I timed it right I could catch a rung and begin climbing out of the pit. I woke up before I had decided to try and catch myself on a ladder or keep falling.

I have a lot of dreams like this one. Dreams of being late to a meeting and not being able to get there. Dreams of having to take a test and never have been in class, the teacher, the other students, the room are all unrecognizable but it’s time for the test. Dreams of being stuck, lost, and a sense of impending doom. I often wake up from these dreams and have no idea where I am. For a fleeting moment, my own home is unfamiliar. It’s always frightening but slowly I remember and things come into focus.

I’ve spoken with my talk therapist about it and it’s not unusual. Having a mental illness that includes a severe anxiety disorder is, in part, living scared. The key is finding my center, relocating my balance and allowing the fear to sometimes leave but most times settle so I can get out of bed and refuse to let it win.

In my dream, I didn’t grab the ladder but right now, at this moment, I know that I am reaching out and that has to be good enough.

For more posts, reflections, poems, and other writings, please visit
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

blessings,
@BrianLoging

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Surfing or Drowning

Apr 3

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Surfing or Drowning –

I just finished reading an article from seven years ago today about a father and son who were killed by a drunk driver. The mom shared it on social media and the heartache is still present and the wound raw. I can’t imagine the pain. I knew the father a little. He was in our church’s youth group. He was a few years older than me but always seemed cool. He was an athlete. He ran, biked, swam, and surfed. The morning dad and son were killed they were training for a triathlon. The father was named after his father and the son carried on the tradition. He was the III.

How do you have hope in the midst of such loss? How do you not drown in sorrow? How do you not get lost in such darkness? I don’t think there’s an easy answer. Quips and quotes don’t begin to address the brokenness and reveal our lack of intimacy with death. We do everything we can to avoid it. Most of us try to prolong our lives by any means necessary. When death finally does come we are quick to make the arrangements, organize a memorial or funeral service and push past it as fast as possible. But even then, death finds a way to corner us, trap us, confront us. After the hustle and bustle of meals, flowers, sympathy cards, and services we find ourselves alone when death, misery, mourning, comes calling.

Experts tell us that when we are caught in a riptide to not fight the current or it will surely drown its victim. Let it grab you and then slowly, moving parallel to the shore, slip from its grip. I think this is how we deal with the loss of those we love. There’s no escaping and fighting and refusing to acknowledge its power end in certain defeat. To allow it take hold, scare us, shake our faith, sweep our “normal” life away, but not giving up is the key. Slowly our strength returns, we regain our bearings, we slip from its grip, rise above the waters and live.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Slowing Down

Feb 17

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Slowing Down –

The last few days have been slooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. We’ve had overcast skies, plenty of rain and this makes for a dreary season and spirit. April showers may bring May flowers but February showers bring time to a standstill. The last few months have been long. I always have a difficult time between Thanksgiving and Easter. It’s dark when you arise and when you arrive home in the evening. The darkness that surrounds me seems to permeate my emotions. As someone with Chronic Severe Depression and a Severe Anxiety Disorder the days slowing to a crawl, mess with my balance and threaten to send me over the edge into negative thought patterns and fixations on disappointments and failures.

The balance, of course, is not letting the anxiety get in there and make my brain whirl like a drugged up hamster on a greased up wheel. Again, it is balance. I make sure the things which help me; meds, exercise, talking to others about how I’m feeling, are done and not discarded even when tempted to do so.

The balance to keep life’s rhythm manageable is an everyday if not every moment discipline. If we let it we would be either swept away in a chaotic whirlwind of activity or mired in a despondent state of surrender. Slowing down isn’t the goal but balance and mindful living are what keeps us sane and steady on the path.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Refelction

Dec 25

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Reflection –

As I wrote about yesterday, this has been a somber and low-key Christmas for my family. It’s been a crazy, hectic, sorrowful month. Today is Christmas day and it feels like Christmas, sort of. My mind can’t help but think about Christmases which have gone by when the family was all together and laughter and joy filled the air.

I was reflecting on Christmas past this morning as my wife slept in. Being a couple who can’t have children we’ve never had the “privilege” of little ones waking us up at 4 or 5 in the morning declaring; “Santa’s come and it’s time to open presents!” Nevertheless, I am married to a woman who loves Christmas and even in the midst of this year’s challenge to find the Christmas spirit she has filled our home with laughter, reindeer antlers on her head, too many Christmas carols and songs, baked goodies and more. She’s been this way since I’ve known her and the only Christmas I can remember her not celebrating was when her mother passed, December 8, 2006. She is in many ways a light in my darkness.

So today I am thankful for the gift of a beautiful, fantastical, in touch with her inner-child wife who won’t and can’t be stopped from bringing a little Christmas cheer.

Best. Gift. Ever.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Searching

Dec 2

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Searching –

This morning my family gathered together to write my father’s obituary and order of service for his memorial. After a while, we took a break and I walked outside with my niece and spotted a huge Sycamore leaf. It was the biggest one at first we could see and then it became a competition on who could find the largest one of all. We searched a long time and when we were convinced we had discovered the most sizeable one we began looking for the smallest one. This was harder because we had to look under, beside and move other leaves to find the smallest. Finally, we believed we had the tiniest Sycamore leaf in the yard.

It was another busy day with people visiting, numerous phone calls, memorial service being organized, visiting the florist, and other errands. In the hustle and bustle of things, a family must do when one they love has passed it’s hard to find the peace one desires. The big things, the things which must get done are easy to find, it’s the small things; the glimpses of hope, the good memories, times when the good of a life well-lived shines in the darkness of a loved one parting.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
Saint John, chapter 1

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Lift

Aug 14

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for grocery cart paper towels

Lift –

This afternoon I ran into Wal-Mart to grab a couple of items. As I navigated the parking lot my cell phone rang and I began a conversation. Approaching the door a woman was coming out the exit with a grocery cart full of stuff and a pack of paper towels on the bottom of the cart. I noticed right away that the paper towels looked as they were going to fall off and to the pavement. I smiled and said; “Excuse me,” reached down and lifted them back on the cart securely. It happened so fast I’m not sure she was aware at first what I was doing. She replied; “Thank you,” and we headed our separate ways.

It was a small gesture but wisdom writers tell me; “No act of kindness is wasted.” I believe this is true and that if each of us would be alert, aware and willing, we might extend kindness in such a way it would lift our world out of darkness.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #act, #alert, #aware, #believe, #darkness, #gesture, #kindness, #lift, #small, #true, #wasted, #willing, #wisdom, World, Writers

Together

Apr 29

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for red tip bushes

Together –

A friend of mine had surgery not too long ago and is still recovering. As a result, he is unable to do yard work or any other outdoor project. One of the projects on his list for the summer was to remove several Red Tip bushes (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photinia). Red Tips are great for privacy but can quickly grow out of control. Before his recent bout with the illness, he had started the removal but couldn’t finish the job. However, while he was in the hospital a group of neighbors got together and completed the project for him. They didn’t expect to get paid or rewarded in another way they did it because it was a way to help.

As I listened to the story being told to me yesterday my heart was warmed at the generosity we can show each other. A person told me recently; “The news is too depressing. I just don’t watch it.” I tried explaining that ignoring the news doesn’t make the world better but it does eliminate our ability to confront, counter the evil and darkness with good and light.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #darkness, #evil, #good, #grace, #help, #hope, #kindness, #life, #light, #neighbors, #together, #wisdom

Carry Us in their Hearts

Mar 30

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for carry heart

Carry Us in their Hearts –

“What everyone needs to know is
that someone carries us in their hearts.”

This was a line from a lecture I heard today. The subject was people who have and those who do not have a sense of being worthy and loved. It was an interesting webinar and after it was over the words above found a place in my spirit. Each of us long to be loved by someone. We want to know we’re cared for, not because someone “has to” but because someone wants to.

In my battle with a major depressive disorder, the lie the disease tells me which hurts the most is that I am unlovable. It doesn’t whisper to me that no one loves me for I know that is not true but its propaganda is far more sinister. It plants the untruth in my spirit that I am not worthy of another’s love, that people only love me because they don’t see the darkness within. If they knew the struggle to return their love, the doubts, the fears, the impulses, they would find someone more worthy of their affection and devotion.

Even those who do not grapple with an illness such as depression need to know the tenderness and intimacy of another. We all desire to “know that we are carried in the heart of others.”

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabsaint.com

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Tags: #darkness, #doubts, #fears, #impulses, #longstobeloved, #majordepressivedisorder, #mentalhealth, #mentalillness, #spirit, #struggle, #unlovable, #worthy, love

Broke and Broken

Mar 13

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Broke or Broken –

Someone asked me today what’s the difference between being broke and broken? It was a great question that I am still pondering.

I think being, believing, you are broke is resignation. To be broke spiritually or emotionally is to lose hope of being fixed, reset, used again. I have felt this way in the throes of an episode of major depression. When all is dark and being of any use our used again is lost to the shroud that settles, stifles and suffocates your soul.

To be broken, for me, is to still believe there is life and light to be found in the dark night of the soul. It’s not easy to find hope, purpose, any emotional or spiritual depth but somehow, someway, there’s a place in your inner most being that believes it’ll get better. These are my good days and, though they may seem disheartening to one who has not suffered from depression and anxiety, are worth celebrating.

Broke and broken. Two sides of the same coin where one is a sense of worthlessness and the other a chance for a life which is valued.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #anxiety, #battle, #broke, #broken, #darkness, #depression, #difference, #embrace, #empty, #episodes, #life, #light, #stillbelieve, #throes, #value, #voices, #worthless

Weightlessness

Dec 15

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for winter

Weightlessness –

It’s cold today! Yesterday was mild but it has turned and now it’s a “see your breath” every time you go outside. Today is sunny but the days are getting shorter and it’s near dark at 5:00 PM. I feel like hibernating, going into my bedroom, turning up the mattress warmer as high as it will go, snuggling into the covers as deep as possible and not coming out until warmth and long light have returned.

However, I know this isn’t possible. The world doesn’t stop because the season I dread the most, which isn’t even officially here until next Wednesday!, descends upon our part of the world and brings with it cold, barren, colorless, darkness.

One of the hardest lessons to accept from Wisdom is that; “Life keeps moving.” It doesn’t stop. All things transition, nothing lasts, everything has its place, for a while, and then dissolves so another thing will take its place and the cycle is never-ending. It’s a beautiful, frustrating, paradoxical, primordial, truth.

It’s cold today. I breathe out then in, accept with open hands, feel the weightlessness of the present moment and know it is not forever.

@BrianLoging
BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #cold, #colorless, #dark, #darkness, #frustrating, #paradoxical, #season, #transition, #weightlessness, #winter

Not Extinguished

Jan 23

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

The drip, drip, drip of melting snow is music to my ears. The temperatures aren’t supposed to get above freezing today but the glorious sun is doing its magic. Friends in the north east are digging out from under feet of snow so our few inches are child’s play for solar rays. After days of gray, overcast skies the sun seems brighter today. You can feel the warmth even through the chilled air.

Listening to the retreat of the snow as water drops to the ground, reveling in the sun’s toasty glow on my face, watching the light once again chase away the frozen gloom, I am reminded of how quickly things change. I’m also once again assured that light, though at times elusive, is never extinguished.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #darkness, #light, #melting, #snow, #sunlight, #wisdom, Truth

What Crosses Our Path

Jan 1

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Traditions, superstitions, are strange. Last night my wife boldly declared; “I’m not washing clothes tomorrow nor doing other house work because if I do it on the first day of the year, I’ll be doing it all year!” Being a fan of logic I thought; “Aren’t we going to be washing clothes and cleaning the house no matter what?” but I digressed and simply said; “Okie dokie.”

No matter your traditions, superstitions, predictions, resolutions, each of us are hoping for a good 2016. I do wish we had power over what’s going to happen but the truth is much of what will impact our lives is out of our control. Our real choice is what we’ll do when we encounter the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the positive and the negative when it crosses our path.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #bad, #darkness, #good, #grace, #journey, #kindness #battles, #life, #light, #path, #positive, #struggle, #wisdom, love, mindfulness, Negative, Peace, Truth

Sunny Days

Dec 2

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

“Sunny days keepin’ the clouds away I think we’re coming to a clearing and a brighter day So far away. Still I think they say The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder I can’t quite remember anyway So if you’re waitin’ for love Well it’s a promise I’ll keep If you don’t mind believing that it changes everything Then time will never matter Winter, Spring… is what love can truly bring Ice turns to water, water flows to everything You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you’ll find I hope you won’t give up what’s moving you inside If the car won’t start, when you turn the key When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat It’s a promise I’ll keep When you’re waitin’ for love If you don’t mind believing that it changes everything Then time will never matter.” Jars of Clay, Sunny Days

One of my favorite songs by Jars of Clay is “Sunny Days.” I’ve been thinking about this song today as the sun finally made its long-awaited appearance after 5 straight days of clouds and rain. It was beautiful. I loved the sight of it, the warmth, the reminder that light can never be eclipsed forever, although at times it may certainly seem so.

Yesterday was a bad day. I slipped on the cabin stairs and hurt my back, my head hurt, buckets of cold miserable rain fell most of the day and by the time I got home I was spent, completely drained. My insomnia hasn’t gotten better over the last 4 1/2 weeks so last night I went to bed as early as possible. I awoke long before dawn but this morning, when I saw the parting of the clouds, the blue of the sky, the orange rays of the sun, it was worth long night, the darkness endured when I beheld the glory of the light.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #darkness, #light, #sun, #sunnydays, #wisdom, Truth

Essentialist and Wannabesaint

Essentialist, contemplative, author, advocate, old soul

Blog Archives

Stalking

Falling

Surfing or Drowning

Slowing Down

Refelction

Searching

Lift

Together

Carry Us in their Hearts

Broke and Broken

Weightlessness

Not Extinguished

What Crosses Our Path

Sunny Days

Essentialist and Wannabesaint

Essentialist, contemplative, author, advocate, old soul

Blog Archives

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