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Heart Space

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Heart Space

This morning at worship service with my mom I bumped into an old friend and asked him how things were going. His birthday was a few weeks ago and he said that he was going to celebrate with a trip but had encountered some heart problems and wasn’t able to go.

I’ve reflected on the short conversation several times today. It is Advent season. A time of joy and celebration but our hearts are heavy with the passing of my dad. As we sat in church this morning, visited a home improvement store (which my dad loved to do), did some work around the house our hearts just haven’t been in it.

We know this is the path we must travel and one day much of the pain will dissipate but right now, this evening, it is not the time. Our broken hearts still ache and space which my dad filled is empty. There is no template for mourning, no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. We take it one day at a time, one moment, one tear and laugh as the memories, experiences, and love flood us and fill us.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Silence

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Silence

Today has been unusually quiet compared to the last several days since my father has passed. My wife and my mother spent some time together today which left me in her house alone. I reflected a bit on the week that has been but mostly I have slept. I am an introvert with diagnosed social anxiety so it takes little imagination to understand the state of mind I am in because deaths and memorial services, errands and condolence phone calls, emails and texts are anything but quiet and stress reducing.

My wife and my mom knew sleep and silence are what I needed today and am thankful they gave me some space. I am running on empty and my body, emotions, mind, and soul craves the quietude of muted phones, ignored texts, emails that can wait, errands which didn’t happen and the downtime which occurs the days and weeks after a loved one leaves this world.

They say the hardest part of a dear one passing isn’t the days immediately following. Days which are filled with planning, non-stop moving, endless words and memories are hard but can sweep you away in a flood of activity. It’s the days after which grow long. They are filled with loneliness, and questions, confusion, anger, and doubt. The flood of phone calls slow to a trickle, the flowers stop coming, the cards aren’t in the mail, and life goes on. The silence following the cacophony can be deafening.

So, what is a balm for me will become hurt, especially for my mother. It is in these times I must trust the memories will comfort, family and friends will step in for support and we will learn to live with the blessing of silence.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Overflow

Drip, drip, drip.”  For a homeowner there aren’t too many sounds which make your anxiety and frustrations rise. This morning, after washing the dishes, I began to make a pot of coffee and heard a noise which sounded like water splashing on a surface. I began to look around and finally noticed liquid coming out from the dishwasher. Our old farmhouse has lots of eccentricities and one of them is the dishwasher leaks occasionally when the clothes washer and sink drain at the same time. We’ve had a plumber look at the problem and, while aggravating, will require a significant undertaking and monies to fix the problem. Until we can afford it we try our best not to let the bottom of the dishwasher fill up and begin to spill over to the kitchen floor. I grabbed every dirty towel I could find in the laundry room and cleaned up the mess.

Afterwards I thought about how life can be similar. Most days difficulties and problems spill into our lives and we’re able to deal with and dispose of it. However, there are seasons when chaos, hurt, doubt and confusion rush into our lives like a torrent and we are overwhelmed. We feel helpless as problems and pain seemingly flood every corner of our existence. Wisdom tells us there’s no shame in admitting life can sometimes be too much for us to handle and, with newfound humility, begin cleaning up the mess.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

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