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Behind the Eyes

Behind the Eyes –

I saw a picture of me from several years ago today. As most people, I don’t care for my photo to be taken but when it is I “grin and bear it.” Looking at the picture today the smile was there but it wasn’t genuine. There was also something missing in the eyes. There was no light behind them. They were hollow and sad. I was surrounded by friends in the photo, good friends. It should’ve been a time of stories, thankfulness, and memories but I can tell in my eyes it wasn’t any of those for me, only a blank stare and pasted smile. This was about a year before I was diagnosed with a Chronic Major Depressive Disorder.

The journey over these last years has been a hard one and there is still far to go but looking back I can see where I’ve come from and this does bring me relief. I’m not stuck in the same place even though sometimes it feels that way.

I’ve been watching a documentary titled; “The Kingdom of Us.” (https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/oct/08/the-kingdom-of-us-review-netflix-teenagers-lucy-cohen) It is the story of a family recovering from their father’s suicide. They listen to recordings of his voice, often in song, and watch videos of him and the family. They ask each other repeatedly, “Look at him! He’s so sad. Why didn’t we see it?” I know the answer; “because he didn’t want it to be seen.” We’ve all been there and done that; plastered on a smile when our hearts are breaking inside. We’ve pushed on even though everything feels broken inside.

Too often we take people’s word when we ask; “How are you?” and they reply; “Fine’ or ‘Good.” The key to discovering the truth is asking more than once and keep at it until they feel you might actually want to know.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #actually, #ago, #answer, #ask, #asking, #behind, #blank, #blessings, #breaking, #broken, #chronic, #comefrom, #depression, #depressive, #diagnosed, #disorder, #documentary, #eyes, #far, #fathers, #feel, #feels, #Fine, #friends, #genuine, #Good. #discovering, #goodfriends, #grinandbear, #hard, #hearts, #hollow, #inside, #journey, #keep, #light, #look, #looking, #lookingback, #major, #memories, #might, #missing, #most, #pasted, #pastedsmile, #picture, #plastered, #pushed, #recordings, #recovering, #relief, #repeatedly, #reply, #sad, #sameplace, #see, #seen, #several, #smile, #song, #stare, #story, #stuck, #surrounded, #taken, #thankfulness, #TheKingdomofUs, #time, #titled, #today, #Toooften, #voice, #watch, #watching, #Whydidntweseeit, #years, Family, Listen, People, Photo, Stories, suicide, Truth, Videos

Problems

Dec 16

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Problems –

There are three kinds of problems; those we can live with, those we can do something about and those we must separate ourselves from.

It’s the last one which gives us the most trouble. Living with something aggravating and, at least in the present moment, is unchangeable can be a challenge. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we can tolerate a lot. This approach can create more hassles if something needs to be changed and we lack the direction, motivation or passion to do something.

Taking control, bending problems to our will, throwing our shoulder into a problem is an attitude we find easy. There’s nothing like grabbing a difficulty by the throat and forcibly doing away with it, changing it to our liking. The risk here is we can make a situation worse if we are too hasty, too stubborn or not wise enough in our decision-making.

Leaving it, for most of us, takes the greatest strength. To be faced with a problem and not change it but change ourselves, how we approach it, takes courage and trust. When we put up with it we are sullen and prone to negative thoughts and spirits. When we take hold of it and wrestle with it, we feel we are in control. When we decide to let go, step back, allow the problem to exist and find contentment at the same time, we have reached a place of genuine spiritual and intellectual maturity.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #aggravating, #allow, #approach, #Attitude, #bending, #blessings, #challenge, #change, #changed, #contentment, #control, #courage, #create, #decide, #decision-making, #difficulty, #direction, #dosomething, #enough, #exist, #faced, #find, #forcibly, #Fortunately, #genuine, #grabbing, #greatest, #hassles, #hasty, #intellectual, #lack, #learn, #least, #Leaving, #letgo, #live, #livewith, #living, #maturity, #motivation, #obstacle, #ourliking, #ourselves, #passion, #place, #present, #problem, #problems, #prone, #reached, #shoulder, #situation, #spirits, #stepback, #strength, #stubborn, #sullen, #takehold, #three, #throat, #throwing, #tolerate, #trouble, #trust, #unchangeable, #unfortunately, #wear, #well, #will, #wise, #worse, #wrestle, moment, Negative, Separate, Spiritual, Thoughts

Forgive

Nov 15

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Forgive –

I found this to be an interesting quote. I’m not sure how to forgive; “everything” or if everything needs forgiveness but certainly believe that forgiveness. Genuine forgiveness is in short supply.

We live in a world where everyone seems angry over something. We fight with family, friends, strangers, internet buddies, internet trolls about banal topics that are of no consequence and about subjects with grave consequences. The problem is we can’t tell the difference and fight over everything.

To live with an attitude of forgiveness, to be a walking, breathing living example of forgiveness in a world that hates, fights, shames, shuns, is to invite hurt, pain, betrayal, and accusations of being out of touch. However, it’s also the antidote to the poison that threatens to kill all we hold dear.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #accusations, #angry, #antidote, #Attitude, #banal, #being, #believe, #betrayal, #blessings, #breathing, #buddies, #consequence, #difference, #everything, #example, #fight, #fights, #forgive, #forgiveness, #friends, #genuine, #grave, #hates, #hurt, #interesting, #internet, #invite, #kill, #live, #living, #needs, #outoftouch, #pain, #poison, #problem, #quote, #shames, #shortsupply, #shuns, #strangers, #subjects, #threatens, #topics, #trolls, #walking, Family, World

Undercover

Sep 29

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Undercover –

I was talking with a friend this week about the different masks we wear when we go different places. There’s a work mask, family mask, friend mask, public mask, and somewhere, often buried deep is our true authentic ourselves. The problem is that we become so accustomed to wearing masks we never take one off for too long or risk showing the world who we are under all the fantasy. The conversation continued and we wondered if any of the illusions we create could eventually lead us to allow others to see the genuine person.

The conversation continued and we wondered if any of the illusions we create could eventually lead us to allow others to see the genuine person. We are so accustomed to hiding the “real” us, the person we think people won’t like, that wearing masks become our default and our defense.

The question becomes how do we break free of this habit of wearing masks? Overcome the fear of our authentic selves not being good enough? How do we begin to discover who we are when concealing our true identity has been our goal for most of our life? This is the reason we are here now, the journey we are meant to travel, the discovery, not of a lifetime, but of life.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes
but in having new eyes.”
#MarcelProust

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #accustomed, #allow, #authentic, #break, #concealing, #consists, #continued, #conversation, #create, #default, #defense, #discover, #discovery, #fear, #genuine, #goal, #habit, #hiding, #identity, #illusions, #journey, #lifetime, #MarcelProust, #masks, #overcome, #person, #question, #reason, #seeking, #selves, #true, #voyage, #wearing, #wondered, Free, Travel

Genuine Voice

Sep 13

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Genuine Voice –

This morning I walked outside and across the road, in a large field, was a herd of cattle. Straggling behind was a small calf seemingly looking for its mother. I cupped my hands around my mouth and gave my best and loudest; “Mooooooo!” The calf stopped and looked over in my direction and; “Moooed!” back. Before I could return the moo, another adult cow, possibly mom, mooed and grabbed the calf’s attention. I took a deep breath and; “Moooed” one more time but the calf was no longer paying attention to me. It had heard the genuine call, its mother’s voice, and I was a poor substitute not worth the time or effort.

Wisdom teaches us that there are many voices calling out to us, pulling us in several directions, seeking to confuse us, lead us away from peace and guidance. To know the genuine voice, the one which will lead us in love toward our purpose is vital if we are to follow the good path, the way we should go. This comes from a relationship with the One to whom the voice belongs. The voice of truth wants to lead us but hearing it, knowing it, recognizing it, only comes through our connection with the divine.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #confuse, #connection, #directions, #divine, #genuine, #genuinevoice, #goodpath, #guidance, #hearing, #knowing, #leadusinlove, #recognizing, #seeking, #teaches, #vital, #voiceoftruth, #voices, #wisdom, Peace, purpose, Relationship

Ahead

Sep 1

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Ahead –

This morning I was on my way to give a lecture and counsel a group of fathers with addictions when a white box truck pulled in front of me. We stopped at a place where you must cross a busy four-lane highway to continue on our current road. I knew the box truck would need extra time to get to the center of the highway where there was a large section used to wait and then continue across to the other side. So I, and several folks behind me waited, and waited, and waited but the box truck driver wouldn’t go though they had ample opportunity. I finally figured out the driver wasn’t waiting for the traffic coming from his left to cease but also from the right. They wanted all four lanes clear and as a result, couldn’t find the right time to proceed.

As I sat there, and when I was finally able to cross the highway, I thought about the stubborn attitude we all have to want everything perfect, “just the way we like it“, how we think it’s supposed to be, before we make decisions, hard choices, take steps of faith, on the road of life. We spend inordinate intervals waiting, wondering, if it’s safe to continue, is this the right time, and, as a result, miss genuine opportunities of growth and progression on our path.

Wisdom teaches that most of the time there isn’t a perfect time to keep going. We must trust the path, it’s maker, ourselves and the belief a greater reward lies on the road ahead.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #Attitude, #decisions, #genuine, #greaterreward, #growth, #hardchoices, #intervals, #ontheroadoflife, #opportunities, #path, #perfect, #progression, #safe, #stubborn, #takestepsoffaith, #teaches, #trust, #waiting, #wisdom, #wondering

Essentialist and Wannabesaint

Essentialist, contemplative, author, advocate, old soul

Blog Archives

Behind the Eyes

Problems

Forgive

Undercover

Genuine Voice

Ahead

Essentialist and Wannabesaint

Essentialist, contemplative, author, advocate, old soul

Blog Archives

Behind the Eyes

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Problems

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Forgive

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Undercover

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Genuine Voice

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Ahead

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