Blog Archives
Flaws
Flaws –
This past Sunday evening there was a beautiful sunset and I took a picture of it. There were a few power lines in the photo so I cropped them out. A friend also had the same idea and posted her’s on social media as well except she left in the power lines in her photo. I listened to a YouTube personality talk about her life as a “celebrity” yesterday. She admitted and lamented the truth that she only gets to show the interesting parts about her life and that the videos, pictures, and posts she does for social media have to fit her “online persona” or her view numbers shrink negatively impacting her livelihood. She believed, as do I, that most people on social media crop their lives, cut out the unsightly parts so that their lives fit what their idea of who they want to be online is maintained.
We live in a world of flawed people. Our celebrities become more famous and our politicians become president by embracing what used to be unacceptable and embarrassing. In reality, what they do is highlight the negative instead of the positive and this becomes their persona, the illusion they want the world to see. Flaws, habits, hang-ups, hurts are part of who we are and what makes us unique and, hopefully, vulnerable. When we aren’t aware of our faults and flaws or celebrate and use them to build a false self we perpetuate a lie. Knowing who we are; the good and bad, positive and negative, allows us to be fully human. We see what we do well and what could use improving. Humility is an underrated trait. It reminds us how far we have to go and how far we’ve come.
For more posts, reflections, poems, and other writings please visit: http://www.thewannabesaint.com
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
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Malevolent or Benevolent
Malevolent or Benevolent –
Last night I listened to a podcast about the psychology of a stalker. A young woman, through no fault of her own, had encountered a patron at her work and treated him nicely, the way she did every customer. The man who received her professional courtesy and kindness took it as a gesture of a personal declaration of her love for him. From then on he would show up at her work, her home, parties and other places. At first, he would watch her for hours, then he began writing poetry, calling her at home, declare his love for her and her for him at different and unexpected places. She reported his behavior to the police, depended on friends to keep him away, moved twice to locations almost five-hundred miles apart. Still, he found her.
He wrote a blog about being a stalker in which he wrote about a love that was benevolent; kind, kindly, kindhearted, big-hearted, good-natured, good, benign, compassionate, caring. He insisted she misunderstood him and accused him of being malevolent; malicious, hostile, evil-minded, baleful, evil-intentioned, venomous, evil, malign, malignant, rancorous, vicious, vindictive, vengeful. He had plans of “fake” kidnapping her and after she went away with him, falling in love with him. His behavior was spiraling and finally, after attacking another woman, he was put in jail for thirteen months for assault, stalking and predatory behavior. Before, during and after being incarcerated, he wrote a book about a man who fell in love with a beautiful woman who eventually learned to love him. People can find the book for sale online today and the blog he still writes.
Love gone wrong, gone bad, corrupted, coercive and corrosive is not love but selfishness painted in illusion. As I listened to the podcast last night I couldn’t help but think a lot of what’s wrong with our world today is people not knowing the difference between malevolent and benevolent.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Bliss?
Bliss –
I was asked earlier this week by my talk therapist; “What is your perfect life?” I didn’t hesitate in describing to her my idea of bliss. After listening, she paused a few moments and asked; “Why do you not have this life?” I reflected on her question and responded; “Because it would screw up other people’s life.” I know my perfect life doesn’t equal the image, illusion, of what those who are connected to me have of their “perfect life.” My idea of a perfect life isn’t grandiose or over the top. It’s simple but would complicate my relationships with those who love and care for me the most. These complications would make my life imperfect. So, the choice to let go of what I think I want, need and accept what I have is key to stillness of mind and spirit.
Life isn’t complicated. We choose to make it that way. One of the ways we make it this way is comparing our “perfect lives,” or the idea of what we think perfection would be, with what our lives are currently. These types of comparisons only cause us to suffer, to strive for an illusion that is improbable. Letting go of comparisons about our lives, each other, and accept this moment, exactly as it is, is a big step forward on the road to a wise and content existence.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Almost Finished
Almost Finished –
I started mowing the grass today around 10:00AM. According to the weather report, a front was pushing through our area near 1:00PM and it takes about 3 hours to mow and weed our yard. It was hot and humid when I began, the skies were blue with puffy clouds. It was warm enough to sweat even though I was on a riding mower. I stopped to drink some water when I finished the back and noticed a patch of dark clouds coming my way. I continued mowing and all of a sudden the wind picked up, the temperature dropped and the skies grew dark. I increased my speed and hoped to get finished in time. Fortunately, I did complete the mowing but the bottom fell out of the sky and I couldn’t squeeze the weeding in because of the heavy rain.
As the rain pounded on the tin roof of our porch I reflected on life and all that is done and left undone. We fill our lives with appointments, events, occasions. We think we have time to do everything which needs to be done. The sun shines on us, the blue skies and the beauty of being alive gives us the illusion that time is on our side. Then a storm of disappointment, disillusion, danger, and death reminds us that time is limited and we can’t take even a moment for granted.
#BenjaminFranklin said; “Be careful with every moment. For these are what life is made.”
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Where You Step
Where You Step –
Earlier this week I got up off the couch to walk from the living room to the bathroom. As I did my phone chimed with an email alert. I picked it up and continued walking while reading and scrolling through the message. Unfortunately, I did not see the dog who for some reason had decided he was going to sleep on one of the bathroom mats. I didn’t hurt him but did trip myself. Fortunately, I did catch myself. I had an immediate sense of shame as I help others to be focused, aware, mindful of where they step on the path of life and here I am stumbling over the pooch in my house. Sigh.
J.R.R. Tolkien wrote “Be careful when you step outside your door Frodo. You never know where your feet will lead you.” This goes for inside your house as well.
Where we look is where we end up. Our lives are often the sum of our choices and where we choose to fix our gaze. My gaze that day wasn’t on where I was headed but on a small screen with a message that could’ve waited a few minutes. Too many times we allow the illusion of urgency leads us to lack awareness and a place of unbalance.
Let’s watch our steps or there’s no telling where we’ll end up going.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Invasion
Invasion –
The past few weeks there’s been an invasion of Middle Tennessee! The multi-legged, orange-colored, flying insects called Ladybugs. They’re everywhere and this morning they kept stealing my attention away from the pastor as he spoke from the Book of Saint John, chapter 12. They were collecting near every light fixture which was about 10 feet from the pews the people were sitting in. Every now and then one or ten would fly across the room landing on someone. One tried to use my neck as a resting place but he didn’t stay there long. I watched hundreds on one light fixture as they crawled around it seemingly looking for a way in. I am not sure if they were attracted to the heat or the light. Of course, once in it was nearly impossible for them to get out. They very thing they were after was actually a trap. They would die there getting what they wanted but not able to get out.
I reflected on the Ladybug’s fate and how it also mirrored our own fascination with those things in life which promise safety, warmth, and light. We become fixated on things which we believe will make life better, bring satisfaction and enlightenment only to find out once we’ve achieved or possessed them it was an illusion. Wisdom teaches that what is worth having comes to us. It is our humility, our acceptance that we are not able to control or manipulate love, peace, kindness and a grace-filled life that makes it possible for these to permeate our minds, emotions, and spirits and bring a unique warmth and light to our cold and dark world.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Don’t Resist
Don’t Resist –
This afternoon I stepped outside and the warmer temperatures wrapped me like a blanket. The sun shone on me and the warm breeze stirred my soul. It’s been cold the past few weeks. Only a couple of days ago the ground was covered with snow and ice. Today, there is little snow to be seen and the remnants are being chased away by the balmy weather. The kicker is I didn’t have anything to do with the high and low temps, the sun or the clouds filling the sky, the wild difference between now and the near past. All I did was stay warm on the cold days and breathe in the warmth this afternoon.
Life is mostly filled with things we have no control over. We want the ability, the power to make things bend to our will but this is an illusion. If we pursue this type of control our lives will be filled with suffering. The secret to contentment and peace is to allow life to progress at its pace and accept what we think is good and bad, wanted and unwanted, desired and abhorred.
When we are able to practice this discipline we discover the ever-present now is exactly what it needs to be and so are we.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Might Be
Might Be –
One of the greatest senses we can develop is that of self-awareness. It’s the discipline of being able to look into an existential mirror and see who we really are, no delusion or illusion. We can see ourselves, the good and the not so good, discover what we do well and what needs to be improved.
Most live in a constant state of denial of who they are and/or who they should be. They allow others, culture, reputation, ego, the false self to define them. If we are not self-aware the world has a limitless number of fake identities to slap on us. If we aren’t careful we can settle for these alter-egos and never take off the masks too many wear for a lifetime.
Letting go of who we’ve always thought we should be isn’t easy. There is pain involved on the journey of self-discovery. However, if we dare, the challenges and difficulties can be overcome, the illusions and delusions shattered, and we become what most dare not hope for; at peace.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Idols and Illusions
Idols and Illusions –
I would add to the quote attached to this post anything that’s fleeting, temporal, transitory, this that tell us lies about ourselves or others. Things like politics, money, jobs, reputations. Idols are all of these and more which fix our focus on the illusion that we are in control, we are powerful and by our wills, the world can be recreated in our image. It is this illusion that destroys our world and ourselves.
This morning part of my contemplation and meditation time included a portion of the Second Book of Kings, chapter seventeen, verse 15; “They worshipped false idols and became false.” I have read that several times today, talked about it with a friend and wrote it down in a journal. It says we become what we worship. Where our heart is, our mind, emotions, spirits, where our energies are applied is what we are and what we become.
Idols and illusions are hard to see sometimes. Breaking free from them isn’t easy. #AlbertEinstien said; “All of reality is an illusion, a persistent one, but still an illusion.”
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Friends
Friends –
You are who your friends are, or show me your friends and I’ll show you, you. I was asked the other day if I had a lot of friends. I answered; “No.” For me, this is not a bad answer but it is a truthful one. I’ve never had a lot of friends, lots of acquaintances, people I know and say; “Hi,” to but not people I would consider friends. If you were to look at my Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn profile, you would think I have thousands of people with whom I have a deep connection to. This is false. Online “friends” are fine but most of them are not close confidants with whom you share life.
I think the words friends is overused. Facebook didn’t start the overusing but I think it helped it reach its pinnacle. Each day I try to wish everyone on Facebook, who has a birthday that particular day, a “Happy Birthday!” Many days I recognize at least most of the names but other days I am at a complete loss as to whom I am writing a birthday wish.
The few friends I do have are wise people, not only smart but wise. They are spiritual mentors and people I’ve shared my journey with, the good times and what I’d label bad. They are folks who encourage me when I need it and call me on my BS, inflated ego, and the illusion of goodness I’d like to live in. They are also positive people. Not pollyannaish, pie in the sky, everything’s coming up roses people but truly positive. They help me believe when I am doubting, hold me when I am scared, help me get my bearings when I’m lost, and never give up on me. These are those who I trust with my life and when that’s the criteria, you have to and should be; picky.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Power
Power –
I heard two quotes today from two uniquely different people.
One said; “It is a sign of wisdom to be content with less than you feel you deserve.”
The second one said; “No matter what you achieve you’re not a failure if you’ve given your all.”
I liked both of the quotes. In a world where winning competitions, whether in a sports arena or the business board room, is seen as the goal for success, being content with less and giving your all but not beating your opponent seems to fall short. I’m not what some may label a “snowflake” but I know that snowflakes do an avalanche make.
I also know history and it tells me the path to glory and earthly immortality is an illusion. Power does indeed corrupt and absolute power destroys not just the person wielding it but innocents as well.
I wonder when, if, the world will ever walk the path less traveled. Is there an event that would convict of us the error of our ways? Deflate our egos? Humble our hubris? How many empires have to fall (I include America), how many victims must die, how many times must the lust for domination and control seduce before we realize the futility of such pursuits?
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Flash
Flash –
I once heard someone say that following God is like walking in the woods during a thunderstorm. It’s only when the lightning flashes that you can see the way.
Life is complicated. A twist of fate here, a turn on a dime there; troubles and difficulties can come crashing down upon us or disappear entirely. We build schedules, erect houses, buildings and monuments to give us a sense of control only to have them washed away by the power and randomness of existence.
Wisdom teaches us that any type of control is an illusion. We don’t have that power. The only real choice we can make is to let go, to trust the lightning in the midst of the storm to lead us home.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Balancing Act
Balance –
Life is a balancing act. It is a lesson I have been keenly aware of this week. To walk the line between the joy of being alive and the acceptance that one day everything, everyone dies takes careful, reflectful steps. If you veer too far one way or the other you fall into illusion and suffering.
We all want to live but not just live, to thrive. This is our desire for those we love as well. If we could we would protect ourselves and everyone we care about from disease, difficulties, and death. However, when we forget our place, our lack of power and lack of ability to make life safe and well, we become anxious, envious and desperate.
It takes a while to learn to walk through the narrow gate of humility and acceptance. The narrow path becomes more narrow but the paradox is the smaller the way becomes the more we open ourselves to grace and healing.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Who You Are
Who Are You? –
I read an article yesterday about the dual roles people take to make others around them like them, keep them happy, or simply not to lose them. It is a part or our society which reveals itself on social media. I heard someone ask; “how can you not feel bad about yourself when you see the ordinary muck of your everyday life and then look at other’s highlights on social media?” This isn’t true for all users of social media, some folks show the good and bad, highlights and lowlights, they’re not afraid for people to see the “real” them online. However, even the “real” is only a glimpse because it’s a snapshot, not the entire film.
The hardest disciplines to develop and keep practicing is self-awareness and self- acceptance. To know who we are, strengths and weaknesses, gifts and flaws, good and not so good and able to accept ourselves is a long, arduous journey. Most people never arrive at the destination. Living an illusion is preferable to understanding who and what they are because then the decision of self-acceptance or self-deception is never encountered.
The dual roles we play tear us apart. They force us to be something we aren’t and will never be instead of truly presenting ourselves to the world wholly, fully and finding contentment with our real selves.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Burning Brightly
Burning Brightly –
On Saturday I had some old mail, leaves, limbs and small pieces of wood to burn in our burn barrel. The leaves and limbs had been in the barrel for several weeks and had become damp from recent rains. I added a little fuel, lit a match and threw it onto the debris. The fire started almost immediately but it didn’t take long to burn up the fuel and the limbs and leaves on top. However, once it began trying to burn the damp portions in the barrel, layered and compressed in the barrel, there was a lot of smoke and eventually, the fire would go out. I added a little more fuel, some dry pieces of mail, struck another match and lit the fire again. I repeated this process several times until the fire in the barrel was hot enough to burn away the dampness and consume everything within.
In the same way, there are times in life when our spirits are damp, compressed, buried under layers of debris drenched by storms passed, times which make us feel the fire which burns within have been quenched with only the illusion of smoke remaining.
In these difficult times, when our souls seem filled with smoke, when it’s hard to see, hear or know there’s a flame burning inside we still don’t give up hope. We try, we wait, we listen, look and believe the fire will burn brightly once again.
blessings,
@BrianLogin (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Under Control
Under Control –
Last week I wrote about raking leaves and how this ongoing chore is a part of the changing of the seasons; “Leaving Tomorrow Be“ (https://thewannabesaint.com/2016/10/29/leaving-tomorrow-be/).
Today I was at it again. Same sections of the yard, same rake, same music playing in my ear buds, the same piles, except different, albeit still brown, leaves. Again, similar to last week, the wind was blowing so even as I raked more leaves were falling on the ground. Still, it was therapeutic; raking and burning.
While doing the chore I thought about my week. Lots of internal changes have been occurring at work. Changes which cannot be avoided and are necessary for our team to continue helping the families and communities we serve. However, as noted by me many times on this blog before, I don’t like change. My severe anxiety disorder goes into hyperdrive when multiple changes occur in a short amount of time. My preference is rhythm, order, a familiarity, which helps bring balance to my life and peace to my mind.
As I raked the leaves today and watched more fall in their place, I was reminded that life is never controllable, never truly ordered, not actually familiar, we simply fool ourselves into thinking there is rhythm. We like to think we’ll get everything organized and under control only to stand powerlessly by as the wind blows, dropping more leaves on a briefly clean yard; a symbol that nothing in the life is ever settled, predictable and under our control.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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On the Inside
On the Inside –
The other day I was in the mood for something sweet and grabbed a piece of candy out of my stash, anticipating relief from a caramel Werther’s. However, as soon as I had the piece of candy in my hand it felt differently, lighter than usual. It didn’t take me long to figure out there was only air in the wrapper. It was puffed up, looked normal, but closer inspection showed nothing on the inside.
One of my greatest fears is being non-existent, like this piece of candy. Puffed up by my ego seeming like there’s substance but it’s only an illusion, nothing on the inside. It’s a danger we all face. The world tells us if we look like everyone else, consumed by our collection of shiny objects, pretending we have it all together, claiming to be full of life when hollow and empty inside.
“The one who finds inner peace and purpose will stop thinking about how to live and begin to live.” #ThomasMerton
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Self-Awareness
-Self-Awareness-
I was listening to a few people participate in a discussion this week on the topic of Donald Trump. The Donald is polarizing! I have yet to meet anyone who’s neutral on him and this presidential race unless they’ve given up on the election entirely.
The central point/question of the conversation was why some people seem to find it impossible to apologize. People who are wrong, off course, exhibit faulty judgement, have it shown, proven, to them yet they still refuse to say; “I’m sorry.”
What does this reveal about a person’s character? Last night, in our incarcerated dad’s class, we talked about the five characteristics of a good man. The first characteristic is, “Self-Awareness.” We defined self-awareness as; “someone who can look in a mirror and see who he is; the good, the bad, what he does well and what he needs to improve.”
Only with honesty and humility are we able to understand our true nature, strengths and weaknesses, and there is no such thing as being free from flaws or defects. Accepting our own limitations does two things; it frees us from the pursuit, illusion of perfection when it comes to ourselves and it lets us love others better because we understand our journey is one of progression not perfection.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com
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Just Crazy Enough to Work
I have a few mottos for my life. One of them is; “It doesn’t take a lot of gas to drive me crazy.” Usually I find myself saying that after something, or someone, is on the verge of driving me crazy! The older I get the more convinced I am that it takes a special kind of insanity to stay sane.
I believe we can make a difference during our short time on this planet. With our limited power, finances, influence, gifts, abilities, convictions and purpose. We can change lives and when you change lives you change everything.
This is crazy thinking. It’s lunacy to believe our brief light on this dingy blue rock called; “Earth” can beat back darkness, pain, and hopelessness. It doesn’t make much sense to imagine a world, made better, by what and who we are, what we do and say, when we are so weak and frail.
Corruption, crime, wrongdoing, immorality and evil are just too much, too big, too powerful. Look around and see this is factual, true, without question. However, foolish ones never trust only their eyes or their minds. They listen to their spirits, they dare to believe that the perceived power of the villainous systems and structures is an illusion. We hold fast to the belief that a slightly “off kilter” person, doing all they can, when they can, could change their small part of the world and if enough nonsensical, impractical saints believe this; no power on Earth can stand against them.
blessings,
@BrianLoging
thewannabesaint.com
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Rolling Up Our Sleeves
Most mornings begin with putting on a pot of coffee, taking the dogs outside and washing any dishes left over from the night before. Today, I followed my usual routine and had a greasy iron skillet left over that needed to soak. I placed it in the soapy water and went to get ready. By the time I had packed my bag, started the truck, prepared the now brewing coffee and put my dress clothes on I had forgotten about the iron skillet. As I was leaving the now darkened water caught my eye. What to do? Leave it or roll up my sleeves and scrub? I chose the latter.
Life has a way of not going according to our plans. We’d rather avoid the dirty work. It’s much more enjoyable when everything seems clean and ordered. However, oftentimes the hardest, grittiest, messiest parts of our journey come at the most inopportune time. We have a choice; do our best to perpetuate an illusion of perfection or get down in the grime of life and clean it up.
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com
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Brokenness as Healing
He sat a few feet from me and I watched as tears began to fill his eyes. It dawned on him, perhaps for the first time, the sum of his actions, words, thoughts and the effect they had upon his family. He had been so wrapped up in trying to control situations and people that he didn’t realize how many things had slipped from his grasp. Now, in a time of crisis and questioning, of rejection and regret he understood. Silence filled the space between us and I waited as he composed himself enough to speak. Until this point disappointments, difficulties and despair had been things which were outside of him, people and events were to blame. Now, he realized he was the designer of his own defeat, a victim of his own ego and self obsession.
It’s never easy to achieve and sustain self-awareness. There are moments when we see ourselves for who we really are; the weakness, selfishness and shallowness. The cold reality sets in and we often reach for the blanket of judgement and justification to stave off the chill. To recognize our real selves, to accept the imperfections, insecurities and insatiable desire to control, coerce and craft others and the world in our image is the most humbling and hurtful lesson to learn.
When we arrive at this place of suffering do we choose to find relief by reconstructing the illusion or embrace the brokenness as healing?
blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
http://www.thewannabesaint.com
