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Falling

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Falling

Last night I had a dream about falling down a bottomless pit. My speed kept increasing and I was doing my best not to hit the walls of the pit and hurt myself. However, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could see there were ladders attached to the walls and if I timed it right I could catch a rung and begin climbing out of the pit. I woke up before I had decided to try and catch myself on a ladder or keep falling.

I have a lot of dreams like this one. Dreams of being late to a meeting and not being able to get there. Dreams of having to take a test and never have been in class, the teacher, the other students, the room are all unrecognizable but it’s time for the test. Dreams of being stuck, lost, and a sense of impending doom. I often wake up from these dreams and have no idea where I am. For a fleeting moment, my own home is unfamiliar. It’s always frightening but slowly I remember and things come into focus.

I’ve spoken with my talk therapist about it and it’s not unusual. Having a mental illness that includes a severe anxiety disorder is, in part, living scared. The key is finding my center, relocating my balance and allowing the fear to sometimes leave but most times settle so I can get out of bed and refuse to let it win.

In my dream, I didn’t grab the ladder but right now, at this moment, I know that I am reaching out and that has to be good enough.

For more posts, reflections, poems, and other writings, please visit
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

blessings,
@BrianLoging

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Pile It On!

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Pile It On!

Earlier today I had to make a run to the Refuse and Recycle Station because we have been trying to downsize and minimize our belongings. The truck, as a result, was full and I needed to empty it before tomorrow. When I pulled into the station the person in charge told me that the dumpster was full but if I would back my truck up to it I could throw my stuff on top. “Pile it on!” is what he said and what I did.

Afterward, I wondered about all the stuff we collect and surround ourselves with in our homes, vehicles, pockets, and purses. We have drawers filled with clothes we never or seldom wear, closets cluttered with shoes that are collecting dust, sheds, porches, storage units, that are full and yet we continue to; “Pile it on!”

I grow tired of the toys and the treasure I’ve hung on to.  I know people need the clothes I don’t wear, the shoes I don’t put on, the other trinkets that invade not enhance my life. Perhaps one of the keys to a more ordered mind is getting rid of the disorder which surrounds us.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Something Stinketh

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Something Stinketh

A funny way to start this post, but something near our bathroom stinks! It’s not in the bathroom, or who is in the bathroom, but in the foyer outside of it. Last night would’ve been a good time for my wife to take a picture as I crawled around on all fours trying to figure out where the smell was coming from. We’ve moved furniture, sniffed walls, looked under, around, beside items and cannot find the source of the stench. In the bathroom foyer, there is a door to my workshop and Beth thinks this may be where it’s coming from. When there is an odor you cannot ignore it and it can be hard to do anything else because the smell is distracting. It seems to permeate your nostrils and locating and removing it is the only solution.

Wisdom teaches us about the stench of others’ attitudes, motives, and words. When someone in our lives is the source of the stench there are a few options. We can air out our grievances with the other and see if we can eliminate them. Perhaps we can, after trying other options, remove the “smelly” person or ourselves from the current workspace. If forced, we can find somewhere else to work. Friends with foul attitudes can be confronted and distanced from if needed. Family members are harder but can be done with sensitivity and a willingness to create space between ourselves and someone whose odor infiltrates our lives.

Our time on this planet is too short to be connected to those who refuse to work on their attitude’s aroma. We also want to make sure and do a “smell test” on ourselves and make any adjustments as well.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Junk Path

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Junk Path

This morning I had an early meeting. I loaded up my truck and began pulling out of my driveway. As I neared the end of it I noticed a truck carrying a refuse container coming in my direction. I didn’t have time to jump in front of it and as it passed I sighed. I didn’t want to be stuck behind this behemoth. I thought about the way I needed to take and realized the Refuse and Recycle Center was the way I was going. In other words, I was going to be behind the truck, carrying the container, almost the whole trip into town. Sure enough, every turn, stop, flashing light I encountered the truck was directly in front of me. I followed it to the junkyard.

As I drove powerlessly behind the truck I thought of myself and others who have, at times, been on a junk path. Poor choices, bad decisions, oversized egos, revenge, remorse, not listening, not paying attention, ended in a bad place and a life that wasn’t balanced or centered. There were good people who tried to warn us, wave us off, show us another, better way but we stubbornly stayed on the path to demise.

Wisdom, it doesn’t do us any good if we fail to follow its lead and travel its path.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Knocking

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Knocking

This morning I woke up with a headache. It felt like a giant was knocking on the front door of my face. I at breakfast took a pill and laid back down. It helped a little but it’s been painful off and on most of the afternoon.

Last week a friend told me he had a “secret knock” whenever he went over to his mother’s home. He said this knock was for her to know that it was him without looking out the window to see. I liked this idea both the reality and the thought behind it.

We have ideas which knock on the doors of our heads. Some of these thoughts, especially the ones filled with doubt, confusion, anger, can take us to places we don’t want to go. Wisdom teachers call this; “monkey mind” a mind filled with chatter like monkeys in a tree, never-ceasing or giving a moment’s peace. It can also be called; “thought train” which is a mind that’s on a particular set of tracks taking us to places it’s not always wise to go.

The good news is we are able to train our minds to recognize “monkey minds, thought trains” and refuse to let them take over our spirits and emotions. The key to mindful living is to be present, in the now. Our minds are not all-powerful and we do have the capability of saying; “No” to negative, repetitive, thoughts and “Yes” to those which keep us centered, balanced and at peace. We simply need to know when and when not to open the door.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Full of Junk

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Full of Junk

Today is President’s Day. I wish I would’ve remembered that before this afternoon. The last few weeks have been rough weather wise. Cold, rainy, windy and our trash has piled up in the bin outside. Finally, today, it was dry enough to put the all the trash in the back of the truck and take it to the Refuse and Recycle Center. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to do it before meeting with some fathers today so it sat in the back of the truck until afternoon. My truck looked like Sanford and Son. After finishing up my appointments I headed to the dump. I was almost there and thankful to get rid of the trash. Then, to my disbelieving eyes, the gates were closed and it dawned on me; “President’s Day.” It was a holiday and county employees weren’t working today. My truck would stay loaded down until tomorrow. “Grrrr!” and “Sigh.

Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” Easy sentence to write a hard sentence to live. We are surrounded by many negative things which can be like anchors to our spirits. Violence, injustice, racism, sexism, bigotry, and all sorts of evil that threaten to permeate our souls. We must be careful, watchful, mindful to not allow this corruption of creation to become a part of us, absorb us, soak up our existence and make us apart of what we should be fighting against.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Why did the Cow Cross the Road?

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Why did the Cow Cross the Road?

There’s nothing quite like living in an agricultural community. You never know what strange experiences each day holds. This morning, on my way to an appointment, I was driving behind a car who suddenly hit their breaks, red lights shining brightly. I quickly hit my brakes and wondered why we were stopping and then noticed a big black cow standing in the right lane. We were on the crest of a hill and couldn’t drive around it for fear of being struck head-on by another vehicle. The driver in front of me beeped her horn, inched toward the animal, even tried shewing it but the bovine paid no attention. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the cow sauntered off the road and into the brush. Shaking my head, I carefully drove past it and wondered how and why it was in this place at this time.

Life’s road is similar to my experience this morning. You never know what’s going to cross your path, stand in your way, refuse to be moved. Many times we try to force, coerce, bribe our way around obstacles but they stubbornly resist movement of any kind. Sometimes the obstacle is the path, the lesson, which needs to be learned before it moves on. Other times life makes less sense and an obstacle is simply a barrier we must figure out how to move or get around.

Whatever the obstacle, no matter how big, imposing, or frustrating we should remember this too shall pass. All things are transient and nothing lasts forever.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

The River

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The River

“Imagine yourself sitting on the bank of a river. The river is your stream of consciousness. Observe each of your thoughts coming along as if they’re saying, “Think me, think me.” Watch your feelings come by saying, “Feel me, feel me.” Acknowledge that you’re having the feeling or thought. Don’t hate it, judge it, critique it, or move against it. Simply name it: “resentment toward so and so,” “a thought about such and such.” Then place it on a boat and let it go down the river. When another thought arises—as no doubt it will—welcome it and let it go, returning to your inner watch place on the bank of the river.”
#ThomasKeating, “Open Mind, Open Heart: The Contemplative Dimension of the Gospel”

One of the greatest and most difficult realizations is the truth that we are not our thoughts. We are not our actions. We are not our egos. True, each of these can reveal things about us and to the world but we are not these things.

The problem is we’ve been taught the opposite most of our lives. The famous quote; “Reap a thought, a word, an action, then a destiny,” seems right but our thoughts do not have to lead us to who we ultimately become. We can choose to go deeper, change paths, refuse to be captive to our thoughts by breaking free of them.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

No Matter How Slow

No Matter How Slow

My pickup truck was full and almost overflowing today on the way to the county dump. I drove slowly for fear of losing some of my load and hoped no one in a hurry came zooming up behind me. The nearest refuse and recycling center is only three miles from our house but it took an extra long time to get there. As I kept one eye on the road and the other on the junk in the bed of the truck I reflected on things in our life that we need to get rid of that slow us down on our journey of life.

There’s something about going to the dump that’s cathartic. As I kept one eye on the road and the other on the junk in the bed of the truck I reflected on things in our life that we need to get rid of that slow us down on our journey of life. The hurts, habits, hangups, shallowness, selfishness, sinfulness we all have and need to unload so we can navigate our way to grace, love, peace, kindness, acceptance and contentment. Our human drive for perfection tries to convince us that we get rid of the refuse as quickly as possible but most times it doesn’t work that way and we must carry parts of our load longer than we’d prefer.

When I arrived at the center the gates were closed and they were changing out the large canister where I needed to put my junk. I waited and waited for almost thirty minutes. Finally, the center reopened and I was able to  unload. As I threw away the last of the unwanted stuff and hopped back in the truck it was a relief to not have to go so slow, worry about the extra stuff and made it home much faster.

Plato teaches; “never judge another’s progress, no matter how slowly.” I like this quote, especially on days when the going is slow, the delays are many and the junk keeps piling up.

blessings,
@BrianLoging
thewannabesaint.com

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Not Ready

Not Ready –

At the end of my lecture today to a group of fathers and men suffering from the disease of addiction I asked those who have wives, girlfriends, partners who are pregnant or children of a certain age to stay for a few moments after everyone leaves so I can talk to them more about some of the services our organization offers. I do this after each talk given at this addiction treatment center. It doesn’t take long and usually the men oblige with no hesitation. Today, however, there was one father, I asked to remain, who flatly refused.

My first impulse was to say; “Why? Don’t you want to help your family? Don’t you need every resource possible so you and your family can break the cycle of addiction which is so prevalent in kids when they have parents who are abusers of drugs?” There was a rush of frustration and anger at the nonchalant way he refused help when I had just spent an hour talking about choosing to live a clean life and the impact this choice has on families. However, I bit my tongue, dismissed the group and spoke with those who decided to stay.

Wisdom teaches us to focus on the ones who are ready to receive not those who aren’t willing or able to grasp the hand extended to help. There is a temptation to keep chasing after those who run from us at the expense of those who are right in front of us, hands out, ready to receive. Part of our persistence in running after those who refuse is ego. We believe we’re the ones to “save” them and if the opportunity is missed they will be lost forever.

Wisdom, however, tells us; “When the person is ready the teacher, savior, will appear.”

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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