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Sounds Like

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Sounds Like –

Twenty years ago this week an F3 tornado tore through downtown Nashville, Tennessee (http://www.wkrn.com/news/f-3-tornado-hit-nashville-20-years-ago_20180416214213/1126239206) We weren’t living in Tennessee at that time but we happened to be in Nashville chaperoning hundreds of teenagers at an annual talent and skills competition on the campus of Trevecca Nazarene University. When the announcement came down that all were supposed to seek shelter several of us ran to the different ball fields, tennis courts and other places where events were being held. Making sure to get everyone we saw to safety without a lot of chit-chat was important, however, one young teenage girl stopped and with fear in her eyes and voice asked me if we were in the path of the tornado? Guiding her inside as I answered; “I don’t know.” “How will we know?” she inquired. Not being a meteorologist I repeated what I once had been told; “A tornado sounds like a train!” Unbeknownst to my inquisitor, there was a set of railroad tracks behind the campus of Trevecca. At the exact time, I told her a tornado sounded like a train a train going past the school sounded its horn. “I hear the tornado! I hear the tornado!” I peered into her fear brimmed eyes, smiled and said; “Sweetie, tornadoes may sound like trains but they don’t come equipped with horns.” I got her with the rest of the students in a basement, shut the door and stood outside watching, listening for the tornado and laughing, thankful that even in this storm of chaos a light of joy can shine through.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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A Picture is Worth…

Mar 27

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for david hogg

A Picture is Worth…

A picture is worth a thousand words unless you are the kids who survived the Stoneman Douglas High School mass shooting in Florida, several weeks ago. This past weekend there were gatherings in cities around the world. It was called; “The March for Our Lives.” Since this protest event, David Hogg and Emma Gonzalez have become targets, again. There are news articles, memes, pictures and opinion pieces written that would make adults question their sanity, worth and the innate goodness of humanity.

My heart is broken and my spirit crushed as I listen, read and watch adults attack these children with vitriol. They are being bullied, lied about, crushed by those whose opinions differ from theirs. These young people have survived what will probably be the most traumatic event in their life. They are processing their grief, the loss of their friends and their innocence. They are trying to take a stand, find their footing after an event and in a debate bigger than them. They are exercising control by speaking out, marching, becoming an advocate against an act of violence that ripped their lives apart. Yet, while they attempt to put their lives back together, people online, on the radio, on television are tearing them down and apart, again.

Are these kids being used by persons and corporations with agendas? Maybe. Perhaps they are also smart and resilient enough to know what they want and believe. Have they said and done everything perfectly? Of course not. Who has? You don’t have to agree with them to see they are still in pain. You don’t have to march with them to stand by their side. You can disagree without abuse. We should be better than that. These kids deserve better.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #abuse, #act, #adults, #Advocate, #agendas, #agree, #apart, #attack, #attempt, #back, #becoming, #believe, #better, #bigger, #blessings, #broken, #bullied, #bullying, #children, #cities, #control, #corporations, #crushed, #DavidHogg, #debate, #deserve, #differ, #disagree, #EmmaGonzalez, #event, #exercising, #find, #florida, #footing, #friends, #gathering, #goodness, #grief, #grown, #heart, #HighSchool, #humanity, #innate, #innocence, #kids, #lied, #lives, #loss, #MarchforOurLives, #marching, #mass, #memes, #online, #opinions, #pain, #Parkland, #perfectly, #picture, #pictures, #pieces, #processing, #protest, #question, #radio, #read, #resilient, #ripped, #sanity, #several, #shooting, #side, #smart, #speaking, #spirit, #stand, #StonemanDouglas, #survived, #targets, #tearing, #television, #thewannabesaint.com, #thousand, #together, #traumatic, #violence, #Vitriol, #watch, #words, #worth, #Written, #youngpeople, @BrianLoging, Articles, Listen, News, Opinion, People, World

Cracked

Mar 14

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for cracked skin thumbs

Cracked –

My fingers have a nasty way of cracking and splitting open when I work outside during the winter in cold and dry conditions. Last week my thumb developed a big one. I had several days of work in front of me and it was becoming sorer by the moment. Finally, after arriving home from a trip yesterday, my wife “made it better.” She cleaned it with Peroxide, gently using a Q-Tip to get the dirt and grime in the crack, applied Neosporin to the affected area and then covered it with a Band-Aid to keep it protected. I repeated the procedure this afternoon and will continue until it improves.

Certain seasons of life can also wound us physically, emotionally and spiritually. We do our best to keep going but sooner or later we must pay attention to the hurt because if we don’t it will only get worse. At times others can help us heal and other times we can do it ourselves. Wisdom teaches us the important axiom; “If we can’t take care of ourselves we can’t take care of others.”

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Old News

Mar 2

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for burnt newspaper

Old News –

The last couple of weeks of February have been a rough time for me the last several years. There are painful, heart hurting memories which seem to resurface and dealing with these challenging emotions is difficult.

Today I cleaned up our yard after a round of storms and rain this last week. I threw them on a burn pile and set it afire. I also had some old fence pieces and newspapers to burn. The newspapers are from my wife. She is doing her best to understand and begin to use extreme couponing in an effort to save money. I made sure to take old piles of newspaper and watched as the flames began consuming them. I tried reading some of the headlines and articles before the fire reached them and then they were gone.

As the fire leaped into the air I thought about it being old news which was out of date and historical. I also reflected on the memories I’ve struggled with the last few weeks and tried to remind myself that healing and time can also consume the heartache of the past and that our history enlightens our present.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #afire, #air, #began, #begin, #being, #blessings, #burn, #cleaned, #consume, #consuming, #couponing, #dealing, #difficult, #effort, #emotions, #enlightens, #extreme, #extremecouponing, #flames, #gone, #headlines, #healing, #heart, #heartache, #historical, #hurting, #last, #leaped, #memories, #newspapers, #oldnews, #outofdate, #painful, #past, #pile, #present, #rain, #reached, #reading, #reflected, #remind, #resurface, #rough, #several, #storms, #struggled, #thewannabesaint.com, #time, #understand, #watched, #years, @BrianLoging, Articles, History, Negative, News, Old, Thought

Behind the Eyes

Feb 22

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Behind the Eyes –

I saw a picture of me from several years ago today. As most people, I don’t care for my photo to be taken but when it is I “grin and bear it.” Looking at the picture today the smile was there but it wasn’t genuine. There was also something missing in the eyes. There was no light behind them. They were hollow and sad. I was surrounded by friends in the photo, good friends. It should’ve been a time of stories, thankfulness, and memories but I can tell in my eyes it wasn’t any of those for me, only a blank stare and pasted smile. This was about a year before I was diagnosed with a Chronic Major Depressive Disorder.

The journey over these last years has been a hard one and there is still far to go but looking back I can see where I’ve come from and this does bring me relief. I’m not stuck in the same place even though sometimes it feels that way.

I’ve been watching a documentary titled; “The Kingdom of Us.” (https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/oct/08/the-kingdom-of-us-review-netflix-teenagers-lucy-cohen) It is the story of a family recovering from their father’s suicide. They listen to recordings of his voice, often in song, and watch videos of him and the family. They ask each other repeatedly, “Look at him! He’s so sad. Why didn’t we see it?” I know the answer; “because he didn’t want it to be seen.” We’ve all been there and done that; plastered on a smile when our hearts are breaking inside. We’ve pushed on even though everything feels broken inside.

Too often we take people’s word when we ask; “How are you?” and they reply; “Fine’ or ‘Good.” The key to discovering the truth is asking more than once and keep at it until they feel you might actually want to know.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #actually, #ago, #answer, #ask, #asking, #behind, #blank, #blessings, #breaking, #broken, #chronic, #comefrom, #depression, #depressive, #diagnosed, #disorder, #documentary, #eyes, #far, #fathers, #feel, #feels, #Fine, #friends, #genuine, #Good. #discovering, #goodfriends, #grinandbear, #hard, #hearts, #hollow, #inside, #journey, #keep, #light, #look, #looking, #lookingback, #major, #memories, #might, #missing, #most, #pasted, #pastedsmile, #picture, #plastered, #pushed, #recordings, #recovering, #relief, #repeatedly, #reply, #sad, #sameplace, #see, #seen, #several, #smile, #song, #stare, #story, #stuck, #surrounded, #taken, #thankfulness, #TheKingdomofUs, #time, #titled, #today, #Toooften, #voice, #watch, #watching, #Whydidntweseeit, #years, Family, Listen, People, Photo, Stories, suicide, Truth, Videos

On Demand

Jan 5

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

On Demand –

This afternoon I had a follow-up appointment at the doctor’s office. They needed to do a routine check-up and wanted a deposit. I had figured as much so I made sure not to leave my deposit at home before I left. I went to the restroom, readied the bottle and…nothing. No matter how much I concentrated there just wasn’t anything that was going to happen. After several minutes I meekly came out of the lavatory and explained the situation to the nurse. She then sent me to the staff vampire who had no such trouble sticking me with a big needle and taking my second deposit by force. I now have a cotton ball and medical tape covering a hole in my arm.

We live in an; “On Demand” world. We get and expect things instantaneously. The problem is sometimes life doesn’t work that way. We may demand expediency but delay and obstruction is what we’re given. If we decide to take what we need to wait on by force pain is often the what we receive instead of what we desire.

It does us good to wait, to not get what we want, to be told; “No!” It reminds us we aren’t all-powerful, possess full control, aren’t as able as we’d like to believe. Wisdom, and the lessons it uses in everyday life remind us who we are, who we aren’t and how to be at peace with both.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #able, #allpowerful, #appointment, #believe, #blessings, #bottle, #check-up, #concentrated, #control, #decide, #delay, #demand, #deposit, #desire, #expect, #expediency, #explained, #follow-up, #force, #fullcontrol, #going, #good, #happen, #instantaneously, #instead, #lessons, #life, #meekly, #minutes, #needed, #nothing, #obstruction, #OnDemand, #pain, #possess, #powerful, #problem, #readied, #receive, #remind, #restroom, #routine, #second, #several, #situation, #staff, #sticking, #taking, #trouble, #vampire, #wait, #whatwewant, #wisdom, Peace, to be told; "No!" It #reminds, World

Long

Dec 31

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Long –

A question was asked today; “If you had one word to describe this year what would it be?” I knew the answer before the question was finished. The answer was/is looooooooooooooong.

My father passed away on December 1st. His battle with pancreatic cancer began near the first of the year. I went through it with him and my mom long distance, over the phone, and travelled down to South Carolina several times to see them. What they went through, the endless doctor’s appointments, the good news and bad news proclamations from well-meaning physicians, the ultimate acceptance of; “there’s nothing more we can do,” and then his sudden demise. As I said, “long year.”

Yet, paradoxically, there is a part of me that is holding on to 2017. It may have been fraught with battles and ultimately surrender but at least there was still a fight to be had. Since December 1st and the flurry of activity of the next few days prepping for his memorial service, the days have been living in slow motion. In spite of it’s pace, this was the last month I can say that I saw him, talked with him, sat in his presence, read and prayed with him. Now, in just a few hours I won’t have that attachment any longer.

It is quite difficult to let go, to walk into an unknown future, live a new normal with only 30 days of adjustments and finding our place, gaining our balance. It will be a challenge to press on into this new, strange year, but it must be done.

A soft, sorrowful; “Goodbye 2017” and a hesitant, and perhaps hopeful; “Hello” to 2018.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #2017, #2018, #30days, #acceptance, #activity, #adjustments, #answer, #appointments, #asked, #attachment, #away, #bad, #balance, #battle, #battles, #began, #blessings, #cancer, #challenge, #December1st, #demise, #describe, #difficult, #doctor's, #endless, #fewhours, #fight, #finding, #finished, #first, #flurry, #fraught, #Future, #gaining, #good, #goodbye, #Hello, #hesitant, #holding, #hopeful, #least, #live, #living, #long, #longdistance, #longer, #looooooooooooooong, #Memorial, #mom, #new #normal, #newnormal, #nothing, #pancreatic, #paradoxically, #part, #passed, #physicians, #prayed, #prepping, #presence, #presson, #proclamations, #question, #quite, #read, #service, #several, #slowmotion, #soft, #sorrowful, #strange, #sudden, #surrender, #talked, #through, #times, #today, #toletgo, #ultimate, #unknown, #walk, #well-meaning, #word, #year, @BrianLoging (Twitter) thewannabesaint.com, father, News

Secrets

Dec 29

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Secrets –

Secrets can destroy lives. Secrets can make enemies of friends. Secrets have a way of eating at us, not giving us any peace and taking over all we say and do. Yet, most of us still hold on to them for fear the secret being found out is worse than the misery it causes each day.

Several years ago I had a friend who was ready to leave his current job for a “better” one. We went out to eat and he laid all his grievances out about his current job. He disliked his occupation, didn’t agree with his boss about the direction of the company and was sick to his gut every day he came to work. To others, he was the model employee but secretly he desperately wanted to go somewhere else. After he finished making his case he took a breath and we talked about the new opportunity and I told him I would be happy to give him a recommendation.

A few hours after our lunch my cell phone rang and it was my friend. We chit chatted a few moments and then he said; “I forgot to ask you, what do you think about me leaving?” I told him it sounded like a good job, the move on his family would be disruptive but manageable and to remember wherever he went he was taking himself with him. I went on to explain that some of his unease and difficulty with his present position was not just the job but were the secrets and burdens he carried with him. “No matter where you go,’ I said quoting one of my favorite wisdom teachers, ‘there you are. “

Don’t carry your secrets and burdens with you.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: # moments, #after, #ago, #agree, #blessings, #boss, #burdens, #carried, #carry, #case, #causes, #company, #current, #desperately, #destroy, #difficulty, #direction, #disliked, #disruptive, #eating, #employee, #enemies, #explain, #favorite, #fear, #finished, #forgot, #found, #friend, #friends, #giving, #grievances, #gut, #hold, #laid, #leave, #Leaving, #lives, #manageable, #misery, #model, #move, #occupation, #opportunity, #position, #present, #quoting, #ready, #recommendation, #remember, #sayanddo, #secretly, #secrets, #several, #sick, #sounded, #takingover, #teachers, #unease, #wanted, #way, #wisdom, #worse, #years, Family, breath, Peace

Attention!

Dec 7

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Attention!

This afternoon I stopped at a store and picked up a few items. When I was done I walked to my truck, put my seatbelt on and began to back up. My mind has been full of different and difficult thoughts the last several days and for some reason, I only glanced out my rearview mirror. When I looked again there was a woman behind me with a horrified; “This guy’s gonna run me over!” look on her face. I slammed on the brakes and waited for her to pass. I then rolled down my window and apologized profusely telling her it was my fault I wasn’t paying attention.

When I arrived at my mother’s house I asked her to wash a few items of clothes for me and she said she would. I gave her the clothes and was turning around to walk back down the hall when I heard her yell; “No!” I came back and asked what had happened and she said she had poured fabric softener where the bleach was supposed to go. I then told her my story about the woman in the parking lot and we both agreed our attention has been elsewhere.

Stressful times full of difficulties and challenges taxes our minds. We don’t sleep well, eating what’s available, our minds, emotions, and spirits quickly become depleted because our energies are used in other areas. As hard as it is we need to take time to be focused and still. Catching up on rest, eating at more regular times and a decent diet can help. Deep breaths, times of meditation and prayer, trying to be still so the muddied, frenzied water can still so we are able to see.

Finding the mindful way when the way is rough isn’t easy but it might be the only thing which will keep us sane until we reach a more welcoming and easier path.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #again, #agreed, #apologized, #around, #arrived, #asked, #attention, #available, #back, #backup, #bestill, #breaths, #came, #Catching, #challenges, #clothes, #days, #decent, #deep, #depleted, #different, #difficult, #difficulties, #easier, #easy, #elsewhere, #emotions, #energies, #fault, #finding, #focused, #frenzied, #glanced, #happened, #help, #horrified, #last, #looked, #mindful, #minds, #mother's, #muddied, #otherareas, #pass, #path, #paying, #poured, #profusely, #quickly, #reason, #regular, #rest, #rough, #runmeover, #sane, #several, #slammed, #sleep, #spirits, #still, #stopped, #story, #Stressful, #supposed, #taxes, #times, #turning, #waited, #walk, #water, #way, #welcoming, #well, #yell, meditation, Mind, Prayer, Thoughts

Silence

Dec 5

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

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Silence –

Today has been unusually quiet compared to the last several days since my father has passed. My wife and my mother spent some time together today which left me in her house alone. I reflected a bit on the week that has been but mostly I have slept. I am an introvert with diagnosed social anxiety so it takes little imagination to understand the state of mind I am in because deaths and memorial services, errands and condolence phone calls, emails and texts are anything but quiet and stress reducing.

My wife and my mom knew sleep and silence are what I needed today and am thankful they gave me some space. I am running on empty and my body, emotions, mind, and soul craves the quietude of muted phones, ignored texts, emails that can wait, errands which didn’t happen and the downtime which occurs the days and weeks after a loved one leaves this world.

They say the hardest part of a dear one passing isn’t the days immediately following. Days which are filled with planning, non-stop moving, endless words and memories are hard but can sweep you away in a flood of activity. It’s the days after which grow long. They are filled with loneliness, and questions, confusion, anger, and doubt. The flood of phone calls slow to a trickle, the flowers stop coming, the cards aren’t in the mail, and life goes on. The silence following the cacophony can be deafening.

So, what is a balm for me will become hurt, especially for my mother. It is in these times I must trust the memories will comfort, family and friends will step in for support and we will learn to live with the blessing of silence.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #activity, #after, #alone, #anger, #away, #balm, #become, #blessing, #body, #cacophony, #cards, #comfort, #compared, #condolence, #confusion, #craves, #days, #deafening, #dearone, #deaths, #diagnosed, #doubt, #downtime, #emotions, #empty, #endless, #errands, #especially, #filled, #flood, #flowers, #following, #friends, #hard, #hardest, #hurt, #I, #imagination, #immediately, #introvert, #learning, #leaves, #lifegoeson, #live, #long, #lovedone, #memorialservices, #memories, #mother, #moving, #muted, #needed, #non-stop, #part, #passed, #passing, #planning, #questions, #quiet, #quietude, #reducing, #reflected, #running, #several, #sleep, #slept, #slow, #socialanxiety, #space, #stateofmind, #stepin, #stopcoming, #stress, #support, #sweep, #thankful, #today, #trickle, #trust, #understand, #unusually, #wife, #words, Family, father, loneliness, Mind, Silence, Soul, World

Words

Dec 4

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Words –

Today I had the privilege and duty to be a part of the memorial service for my father. It’s been surreal the last few days. So many errands to run, items to check off on a list, places to go, people to see. There’s been a sense of urgency, a nervous energy, a controlled chaos, riding a wave of sorrow and speed. Because of the hectic pace of the last several days, I stood on the stage behind the pulpit at the service this afternoon with no notes, and no structure to the stories and experiences I wanted to share.

Words, they’ve flooded my mind and soul since Dad passed. Words from family and friends who care and are sorry for our loss. Words that go into an obituary, on a card for flowers, in a service program and used in phone calls, emails, and texts. So many words used to describe the love a family has for one who is, was, the central fixed, point.

Now, standing behind the pulpit at the memorial service today, I had no notes, no words written, no solid ideas, memories swarming in my head but none coming in for a landing. How do you choose the right words to convey the meaning of a life which impacted many people? In the pantheon of phrases, how do you pick out those which will express the purpose of a life lived well?

A deep breath, a small prayer, and … share my heart, open my lips, loosen my tongue and let the words come. No, they will not be adequate. No, they will not be perfect. Yes, there will be second-guessing and memories that are forgotten to be shared.

Words. They are not, and cannot contain the heart’s cry of longing and loneliness or succinctly express the fondness, the love, the good of being apart from a person you love. This is okay. Living, being, existing, is more than words, deeper than condolences, greater than expressions of sympathy and sadness.

Living should be beyond our ability to communicate it easily if it is done well.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Posted in Mindfulness

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Tags: #ability, #adequate, #apart, #behind, #being, #beyond, #blessings, #calls, #card, #care, #central, #chaos, #check, #Choose, #come, #communicate, #condolences, #contain, #controlled, #convey, #cry, #Dad, #days, #deep, #deeper, #duty, #easily, #emails, #errands, #existing, #experiences, #express, #expressions, #fixed, #flooded, #flowers, #fondness, #forgotten, #friends, #greater, #head, #heart, #hearts, #hectic, #ideas, #impacted, #items, #landing, #last, #lips, #list, #living, #longing, #loosen, #loss, #meaningofalife, #Memorial, #memorialservice, #memories, #nervous, #notes, #obituary, #open, #pace, #pantheon, #passed, #person, #phone, #phrases, #places, #point, #privilege, #program, #pulpit, #riding, #rightwords, #run, #sadness, #second-guessing, #sense, #service, #several, #share, #shared, #solid, #sorrow, #sorry, #speed, #stage, #standing, #structure, #succinctly, #surreal, #swarming, #sympathy, #texts, #today, #tongue, #urgency, #wave, #words, #Written, Family, breath, Energy, father, loneliness, love, Mind, People, Prayer, purpose, Soul, Stories

Bright

Nov 17

Posted by thewannabesaint.com

Image result for buddhist thought of the day

Brightly –

The sun was shining brightly today as if it had been hidden by clouds and couldn’t take it anymore. Bursting through, nothing holding it back, it lit up the blue sky. Now, after showing off, the sun is setting and only remnants of light remain of its beauty.

I have a friend going through a difficult time, battling a disease that will sooner or later kill him. He’s doing everything he can but our bodies are not made to last forever nor beat every enemy we face. I talked with him today on the phone and his voice sounded stronger than in days past. It was good to hear and I laughed as he told me one of his jokes. The last several weeks have been tough, watching him struggle, rise to meet one challenge only to be met by a new and a more difficult obstacle. No one can keep going no matter how much strength they possess.

Today for a moment he shone brightly and I will keep that memory with me as he moves forward.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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Tags: #after, #battling, #beat, #blessings, #bodies, #brightly, #Bursting, #challenge, #difficult, #disease, #enemy, #forever, #forward, #friend, #going, #goodtohear, #hidden, #holding, #jokes, #keep, #keepgoing, #kill, #last, #laughed, #light, #meet, #memory, #moredifficult, #moves, #new, #nothing, #notmade, #obstacle, #possess, #remain, #remnants, #rise, #several, #shining, #showingoff, #soonerorlater, #sounded, #strength, #stronger, #struggle, #sunissetting, #through, #time, #tough, #voice, #watching, #weeks, beauty, moment

Essentialist and Wannabesaint

Essentialist, contemplative, author, advocate, old soul

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Sounds Like

A Picture is Worth…

Cracked

Old News

Behind the Eyes

On Demand

Long

Secrets

Attention!

Silence

Bright

Essentialist and Wannabesaint

Essentialist, contemplative, author, advocate, old soul

Blog Archives

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