Blog Archives

Elusive

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Elusive

Yesterday morning while we were standing in our kitchen, my wife and I heard a “snap!” and I asked; “What was that?” Beth said; “Sounded like a mousetrap.” We haven’t had enough rain and it’s been too warm for them to need shelter but soon we heard the squeal of a trapped mouse. Beth was leaving for work and I went and grabbed a bag to dispose of the mouse. As I began to open the drawer with the trap I heard movement and by the time I got it halfway open the little mouse had freed itself and escaped!

I didn’t feel too bad about the little creature getting away. To come that close to death and not die it deserved another chance to live. Over the last two days, I’ve thought about elusive things and how it can be hard to get a handle on life. We have bad habits that we think we’ve beat only to fall back into them again. Maybe its a relationship that requires a lot of work and we wonder if it’s worth it. Perhaps a physical or mental illness that lingers and our hopes of getting better permanently are unrequited.

The choice to try again when all you’ve been doing is trying, and failing, can be a daunting challenge but often reaching the most elusive goals are worth the extra time and effort.

For more posts, reflections, and other writings, please visit: http://www.thewannabesaint.com

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)

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Falling

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Falling

Last night I had a dream about falling down a bottomless pit. My speed kept increasing and I was doing my best not to hit the walls of the pit and hurt myself. However, as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could see there were ladders attached to the walls and if I timed it right I could catch a rung and begin climbing out of the pit. I woke up before I had decided to try and catch myself on a ladder or keep falling.

I have a lot of dreams like this one. Dreams of being late to a meeting and not being able to get there. Dreams of having to take a test and never have been in class, the teacher, the other students, the room are all unrecognizable but it’s time for the test. Dreams of being stuck, lost, and a sense of impending doom. I often wake up from these dreams and have no idea where I am. For a fleeting moment, my own home is unfamiliar. It’s always frightening but slowly I remember and things come into focus.

I’ve spoken with my talk therapist about it and it’s not unusual. Having a mental illness that includes a severe anxiety disorder is, in part, living scared. The key is finding my center, relocating my balance and allowing the fear to sometimes leave but most times settle so I can get out of bed and refuse to let it win.

In my dream, I didn’t grab the ladder but right now, at this moment, I know that I am reaching out and that has to be good enough.

For more posts, reflections, poems, and other writings, please visit
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

blessings,
@BrianLoging

Reboot

Reboot

This afternoon I read an article about a new, vicious malware bug that’s infecting many computers. (Read Article Here: FBI to America: Reboot Your Routers, Right Now https://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/security/a20918611/vpnfilter-malware-reboot-router/) The Federal Bureau of Investigation released a memo telling home owners, companies and anyone else to do one simple thing, turn your router off and then back on again. A sophisticated designed piece of software but an easy way to shut it down.

I reflected on this effective, yet simple, way to fix this problem and wondered what would happen if we practiced this discipline in other aspects of our lives. People arguing? Shut it down and come back when cooler heads prevail. Stuck and can get no further on a project? Leave it and then come back when your brain’s had a breather. Helping someone who refuses to let you do so? Stop and give it time. Perhaps when you come back new ears and new understanding will greet you. A big decision got you stumped? Walk away and seek the advice of others.

Wisdom is easier if we cease trying to force it simply allow it to be absorbed.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Part of the Journey

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Part of the Journey

This morning, driving down the interstate, I witnessed two aftermaths of car accidents. The first one was a car that had gone off the highway, up a hill, crashing into a big road sign. There was police personnel on the scene frantically trying to get the doors of the car open to attend to the injured. Not too many miles and minutes later I saw two Fire Department trucks crossing an overhead bridge and taking an on-ramp to the interstate. My question as to “why?” was answered a mile or two up the road when I spotted a pick-up truck, sitting on the side of the road, engulfed in fire!  There was no one in the truck but the flames were high, bright orange and the situation was becoming dangerous.

Aside from praying for those involved, I reflected on the reality that none of the people involved, especially the drivers and passengers, woke up this morning and had these incidents on their agenda. I wondered how far down the list of “ways this day would go” until they got to these experiences.

Wisdom teaches that we cannot know or determine what we will encounter on the road of life. There are days when everything works out perfectly. Others when everything seems to go wrong. Most days are somewhere in the middle. No matter what happens, however, we are taught, and hopefully, learn to accept, it’s all part of the journey.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Another Way

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Another Way

This morning the pastor spoke from a selection of scripture regarding the story of how David, from the Bible, became King and conquered Jerusalem. It is an interesting story from the book of Second Samuel. When David, newly anointed, marched with his armies to the city of Jerusalem to reclaim it from the Jebusites, the foreigners were unimpressed. A ragtag, wannabe, King with his little army? How could they defeat the Jebusite army who far outnumbered them and were held up in the city of Jerusalem which had a great wall around it to repel invasion forces? They mocked David and told him they could put blind and lame men at the main gate and David still wouldn’t get in. However, David knew there was an access to the city through its water supply and his men came up through a well in the city and mounted a surprise attack to conquer the Jebusites.

“The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, who lived there. The Jebusites said to David, “You will not get in here; even the blind and the lame can ward you off.” They thought, “David cannot get in here.” Nevertheless, David captured the fortress of Zion—which is the City of David.

On that day David had said, “Anyone who conquers the Jebusites will have to use the water shaft to reach those ‘lame and blind’ who are David’s enemies.[a]” That is why they say, “The ‘blind and lame’ will not enter the palace.”

David then took up residence in the fortress and called it the City of David. He built up the area around it, from the terraces[b] inward. And he became more and more powerful because the Lord God Almighty was with him.”
-Book of Second Samuel, Chapter 5

As I listened to the story I thought of challenges, difficulties, illnesses and other “enemies” had strongholds in my life. It seemed no matter what I tried I couldn’t defeat them. It was only after I stopped trying to take them “head on” that wisdom made known to me another way. There are battles for our spirits, emotions, our innermost being that requires us to be not frantic but still, not exhausting ourselves but saving our strength, not egotistical but willing to ask for and accept help, not stubborn but soft and bending, not stronger but wiser.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Big Ol’ Pile

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Big Ol’ Pile

In our second bedroom/exercise room, we have a queen size bed. At least we think we do. Most of the time it is covered in clean clothes. We call the ever-growing pile; “Mount Clothesmore.” Eventually, we decide to scale the mountain and fold the clothes. This was my chore today. I don’t like folding clothes. I think it’s because it never ends. You fold, put them up, wear them, wash and dry them, and then back on the bed. The cyclic nature of it all can make you feel as if it doesn’t matter whether the chore gets done or not. To prove my point, when I finished today Beth said; “There are more clothes in the dryer!” See? Never ending. Most of life is this way. You get up and do the same things over and over. Eating, working, exercise (maybe), chores, bed. Repeat. It can begin to feel as if nothing matters.

How do we keep going? How do we find meaning in this Big Ol’ Pile of cyclic activities we call; “life“? Being mindful helps. Trying to be aware of the differences each unique day and moment brings. There are new things to see, to experience. Things which give us a one of a kind, never done before, never to be repeated, life.

Perhaps, the question to ask ourselves is; “Am I ready? Am I looking? Am I expecting to see, to find, that new thing which makes all the other mundane stuff worth doing?

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Wrinkles

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Wrinkles

This morning, per our routine, I ironed Beth’s clothes as she was getting ready for work. I turned the iron on and then took the dog outside. When I returned to the clothes that needed pressing I began to run the iron over them. My mind was elsewhere, on things I needed to do today, and so I didn’t notice the wrinkles weren’t being removed. When I finished I held the dress up to look at it and it was still full of wrinkles! “Argh!” I grunted exasperatedly.  I checked the iron and it was cool to the touch. I looked at the lights on the iron which indicate the amount of heat that is being emitted and then noticed the automatic off had been activated while I was outside with the dog. I had been gone too long.

Today is my birthday. The older I get the more I understand there’s always going to be wrinkles in my life, imperfections. I’m never going to be perfect and that’s okay. There will be days I get it right, on time, with no mistakes and other days when I wait too long, mess it up, wonder why I keep trying. Such is life and I am doing my best to live it.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Flying Off

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Flying Off

I spent most of the day traveling. Driving can be dangerous at all times but today especially as I went through Atlanta, Georgia. Over the weekend Mother Nature dumped several inches of snow in the area and though the skies were a crystal blue today and the sun shone brightly the melting snow was flying off the back of some semi-trucks. Huge pieces would be loosened by the sun and the drafts of air as they made their way along the interstate. One second you’re minding your own business the next you’re in a one-sided snowball fight!

Life has a way of giving and taking. I think we’d enjoy the good more if we knew how much the taking would hurt. Life also has a way of covering us with joy and sadness. We bask in the joy but when the sadness envelops us it can seem one-sided, unfair and unwanted.

Accepting life and all it sends us can be as easy as letting the sun shine on our face and as difficult as trying to dodge an unexpected avalanche from a semi but both are required if we are to experience life fully.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

Not Comfortable

Not Comfortable – 

I did something today I’ve never done before. I am confident doing certain things but projects dealing with engines, big or small, aren’t in the comfortable category. However, the John Deere lawn tractor I bought a few weeks ago required an initial oil and filter change after a designated number of hours. For people who’ve grown up, went to school, are naturals with engines and their workings an oil and filter change is child’s play but for me it was intimidating.

The first step was finding the owner’s manual and reading the steps to completing the project. I read this many, many times. When I was finally ready to attempt the job I took the owner’s manual with me and had it open to the instructions the entire time. I removed the oil cap, drained the oil, used a filter wrench (first time ever!), replaced the filter, put the oil cap back on, filled it with oil and turned the engine on to check for leaks. Seeing none, I hopped on and mowed for about an hour without it blowing up! As far as I can tell it was successfully done and I was proud of myself for doing it.

Life is full of projects, events, experiences, challenges and difficulties which put us in situations in which we are uncomfortable. We have the choice of avoiding what needs to be done or trying. Trying doesn’t mean we’ll succeed but we’ll never know all the things we can do if we focus on what we can’t.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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A Different Way of Thinking 

My neighbor is a proud owner of a new, zero turn lawn mower. He showed it off on Saturday by driving it over to our house and asking me if I wanted to take it for a spin. Truth be told I didn’t want to because of the fear of damaging it in some way. He assured me the warranty was iron clad.

The steering levers were hard to get used to even after he instructed me on their use. To turn left you pushed the right lever forward and vice versa. To go forward you pushed both levers simultaneously and to go in reverse you pulled them backwards. To stop you simply let go.

The going was slow as I tried my best to rewire my brain and orientation from my Craftsman traditional mower with a steering wheel to thinking in a different, almost opposite way to move, maneuver and mow. Someone could have made a lot of money video recording my confused and disjointed attempt to cut just a small section of grass. 

Finally I finished and returned my friend’s prized possession. Telling him thanks I hopped back on my comfortable mower and breathed a sigh of relief.

Learning a new way to do things, a different way to think can be challenging and frightening but what’s more scary is not being willing to try.

Blessings,
@BrianLoging 
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

Uncomfortable Victories

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I’m claustrophobic, not a little but terrifying so. The thought of being trapped, confined, stuck in any place invokes a real fear and has induced several panic attacks. I usually get along fine by simply avoiding situations in which not being able to escape could occur.

However, the past few days there has been a horrendous odor emanating from somewhere around the house and it’s driving me crazy! On Wednesday I began to seriously consider going under our home to see if something beneath might be the source of the stench. After spending most of Friday morning convincing myself I could handle it, I put on a set of work clothes and decided to try.

I haven’t been into our crawl space since we’ve moved in for obvious reasons. I had no idea how tiny and cramped it actually was and when I stuck my head in I came close to changing my mind.

However, after a little self motivation and saying out loud; “You don’t have to go any further than you want. You can turn around anytime.” I ventured into a truly terrifying and uncomfortable place. Deep breathing, repeating the mantra, I inched further into the darkness.

Unfortunately I could not get to every spot under the house nor locate the source of stink. Even though I was only beneath the building a short time it seemed forever and when I emerged I quickly shed my confining work clothes, settled down and stayed outside for several hours enjoying the wide open space.

I’ve reflected upon the episode several times since yesterday and in a way I’m thankful to at least have tried. There have been moments in my life where claustrophobia has almost crippled me so even a few fleeting minutes seems a triumph.

Life isn’t always about permanently overcoming. Sometimes it’s the small victories that remind us fear hasn’t won.

blessings,
@BrianLoging
http://www.thewannabesaint.com

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