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Silence

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Silence

Today has been unusually quiet compared to the last several days since my father has passed. My wife and my mother spent some time together today which left me in her house alone. I reflected a bit on the week that has been but mostly I have slept. I am an introvert with diagnosed social anxiety so it takes little imagination to understand the state of mind I am in because deaths and memorial services, errands and condolence phone calls, emails and texts are anything but quiet and stress reducing.

My wife and my mom knew sleep and silence are what I needed today and am thankful they gave me some space. I am running on empty and my body, emotions, mind, and soul craves the quietude of muted phones, ignored texts, emails that can wait, errands which didn’t happen and the downtime which occurs the days and weeks after a loved one leaves this world.

They say the hardest part of a dear one passing isn’t the days immediately following. Days which are filled with planning, non-stop moving, endless words and memories are hard but can sweep you away in a flood of activity. It’s the days after which grow long. They are filled with loneliness, and questions, confusion, anger, and doubt. The flood of phone calls slow to a trickle, the flowers stop coming, the cards aren’t in the mail, and life goes on. The silence following the cacophony can be deafening.

So, what is a balm for me will become hurt, especially for my mother. It is in these times I must trust the memories will comfort, family and friends will step in for support and we will learn to live with the blessing of silence.

blessings,
@BrianLoging (Twitter)
thewannabesaint.com

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On the Same Page

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On the Same Page

I like to pick on people I like, have a fondness for, value their friendship. Not bullying but simply old-fashioned kidding around. I am careful whom I do it with because knowing if they can take it is a must! My wife and I been married for 27 years next summer. That someone has chosen to be around me for that long is the only gift I truly want and certainly do not deserve.

My wife worked today for someone who had a relative pass away and needed to be elsewhere. She did this because that’s the type of awesome person she is, inside and out. When she got home, we ate lunch, took some measurements for a project we are working on and went to Lowe’s. I was in a picking mood. She was not. After a while she looked at me and said; “You’re in a mood today!” When she said it, the way she said it, immediately put me on alert. I paused the picking on her and picked at her statement a bit; “Getting on your nerves?” She smiled and replied; “Let’s just say; ‘we are not on the same page!'” That put an end to the picking and I was, and have been since, on my best behavior.

I love my wife. One of the things I am grateful for is a strong-willed, opinionated, passionate woman who will tell her often clueless husband, how she feels and what she feels about certain things. I also know that when we’re not on the same page it doesn’t mean we throw away the book. After 26 plus years we’ve learned how to turn the page, even start a new chapter.

blessings,
@BrianLoging
thewannabesaint.com

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Texting the Deceased

I texted a deceased person today. I intended to text the person I just didn’t know he had passed away on Sunday evening.

On my way to a community meeting this morning I drove through a small town and read on a local business sign; “R.I.P. Jim Smith.“* It took me a moment, the name sounded familiar, and then I recognized it as a name of one of the fathers in our program. The next second it dawned on me he had also once worked at the business with the sign. I called someone who knew the father and he confirmed that; “Yes, he was in a car accident over the weekend and lost his life.” It became even more shocking when I realized I’d texted the deceased father a couple of hours earlier. I was doing my routine check-in with him and many of the other dads our program works with to see how their week was going. Jim* was an engaged father, in his early 20’s, with one infant daughter he adored. He worked full-time, went to school and loved his wife and family.

After the confirmation of his passing everything else melted away. I prayed for his family but truly cannot imagine the hurt, doubt and confusion they are experiencing. At lunch I talked with Beth and told her about the dad. She then said she had spoken with a wife this morning, whose husband had recently taken his own life, after a long battle with alcohol. Death, it seems, is making it’s presence known this Tuesday. We both told each other; “I love you very much!” as we ended the conversation.

We are but candles swiftly extinguished. The light of our lives burn brightly and quickly dim. There is no tomorrow, no guarantee of another breath, moment or chance to let those we care for, appreciate and love know how much they mean to us.

*names have been changed to protect confidentiality

blessings,
@BrianLoging
thewannabesaint.com

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